Pedro Strop is in Chicago

While I was in my old man slumber because as you can see by the time of this blog publishing, I sleep like a senior citizen, Pedro Strop was apparently in Chicago per his instagram story. In case you're not familiar, Strop is one of the most underrated and under-appreciated Cubs ever. He never had an ERA over 2.91 or a FIP under under 3.50 for the entirety of his Cubs career with the exception of last year which in which he struggled. So what does that mean? Not only is he coming off a year in which he struggled, he's coming off an injury, and is 35. Does that make it worth the flier for the Cubs?

Yes, yes it does you big dumb idiot. This bullpen STINKS. There is literally no arm that you can trust to come out of there and pump a lineup down in 11 pitches comfortably. Does Strop fix that? Maybe. Maybe not, but it can't hurt to find out.

Not only is he worth the flier on the field, he is great for morale. He is an infectious personality that was universally loved in the clubhouse. He was known as the guy that would hype up Javy when he was struggling and helping him get back on track. 

We'll see if he ends up back at 1060 W. Addison, but I know of one guy that would be beyond thrilled if this goes down.

M O O D pic.twitter.com/xYQP4yE842

— DOM (@DOM_Frederic) August 28, 2020

BUCKS BOYCOTT

First and for most: Black Lives Matter. Some of you need that message to get through your thick skulls.

Following the police altercation that resulted in Jacob Blake being shot SEVEN times in the back by a police officer, the message is loud and clear. You can't fix what's not broken. Not even 3 months after the tragic death of George Floyd, another police officer is shown using excessive violence against a Black man on camera. When will we see any actual change in our policing? If you aren't outraged, then you aren't paying attention!

Back in June, many NBA player were worried that in a time of racial injustice across the country, returning to basketball would be a distraction. They were worried that their voices wouldn't be heard enough. The NBA has tried to make this return to basketball a platform for its players voices to be projected. Kneeling during the national anthem, 'Black lives matter' printed on the court, BLM warm up shirts, and even custom social justice messages on the jerseys are all awesome forms of symbolism that the NBA has allowed its players to use to get their message across. But at the end of the day, it's only symbolism which isn't necessarily true activism. For example: Jimmy Butler tried to come out in a jersey with no name and no message to make his statement, and the league SAID NO! Such a slap in the face. "Our players can protest, but only how we want them to." 

Now it's August and they're clearly hasn't been much change. The players see it too, despite being trapped in a bubble. After rumors circulated about the Raptors and Celtics boycotting game 1 of their series, The Bucks actually did it. Game 5 of the Bucks vs. Magic was supposed to tip off today, and the Magic eventually had to leave the floor as their opponent didn't show up. Jacob Blake's home in Kenosha being only a short drive from Milwaukee, makes their message fit perfectly. For that, I love you Milwaukee Bucks. Some things are bigger than basketball, even for guys who get paid to play. 

How will this shape the rest of the playoffs?

 

FUCK THIS MAN!!!! WE DEMAND CHANGE. SICK OF IT

— LeBron James (@KingJames) August 26, 2020

 

This shit bigger than basketball! Whoever don’t understand that is part of the problem.

— DeMar DeRozan (@DeMar_DeRozan) August 26, 2020

 

WE DEMAND JUSTICE!!!

— Jamal Murray (@BeMore27) August 26, 2020

 

Without teams taking a stand, the silence continues. Money talks so hopefully this sparks some real change. 

The Dark Knightengale Rises

"For only the second time since July 26, there is not a single #MLB game already postponed because of COVID-19, and weather permitting, it would be the 1st time since opening weekend there will be a full slate of games."- Bob Nightengale on twitter. Folks our dastardly hero The Dark Knightengale has struck again. Just mere minutes after tweeting the report that no games were getting canceled, Astros-Mets was postponed because of a hurricane. As disappointing as missing baseball is, it's still quite a feat for the Dark Knightengale to consistently get these reports wrong as soon as possible. It's almost as if he's playing all of us, and enjoying a nice little laugh. He's not the hero we deserve, rather the hero we need. While he may be more Joker than Batman, it's important to understand that Bob Nightengale's reverse jinx is one of the strongest substances on earth. Many people talk about what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, and while science nerds have been debating it for centuries, I am here to tell you that the real answer is that Bob "The Dark Knightengale" Nightengale is both the immovable object and the unstoppable force. Whereas many reporters focus on the unimportant things, Bob-O focuses on getting it wrong so that we he can get it right. A man so immune to clowning that he actually prefers toying with us mere twitter morons from his castle on top of a mountain. He is the puppet master and baseball is the puppets. He is the only one with the power to save us with his reverse jinx, and I would like to shine a light in the sky to signal to our fearsome ally that the sport needs help. Please help us Dark Knightengale, you're our only hope.

Why You Should Be ALL IN on Robert Pattinson's "The Batman"

 

If you weren’t on Team Edward back in 2010, now is the time.

We don't just write about sports here loser, so if you'd like to expand your cultural knowledge of meaningless superhero movies and comic books, stick around for this one. Yesterday at DC Fandome (a virtual convention for all things DC Comics & Entertainment), we were hit with the first real look at Robert Pattinson as the titular character and holy fucking shit Batman, it looks absolutely amazing. From costume design, character choices, and the overall tone of the film, this is going to be as real as it gets for the Caped Crusader, and I for one am so ready for Emo-Batman (IT’S NOT A PHASE MOM!). Here am I going to go on a bit of a deep-dive into why this has the potential to not only be the best batman film we’ve ever seen, but how this film will finally break Robert Pattinson’s curse of always being remembered as the sparkling-vampire-boy from the Twilight Saga.

Firstly, let’s address Pattinson’s track record as an actor. YES, he was mostly awkward and terrible as Edward Cullen. YES, those movies were mostly targeted at 15-year-old teenage girls who were looking to experience their first orgasm in the back of a movie theater. But those days are long gone, and since then he has turned into an extremely well-rounded actor, capable of transforming into whatever role is presented to him. His most recent example of this is The Lighthouse (2019). Look it up, it’s fantastic. And with all that being said, the fit for him as Bruce Wayne is a better casting than you might think. His biggest strength was always being a doom-and-gloom downer, and what better actor to portray a comic book accurate Dark Knight than Edward Cul – I mean Robert Pattinson? This man might fuck around and give us the coolest, meanest, and most authentic bat we’ve ever seen on the big screen.

You didn’t read comics like a dweeb in high school? I don’t blame you. But I did, and on occasion I still dabble in graphic novels to this day. What you really need to know about this film is the source material it is pulling from: The Long Halloween. When I tell you this is one of the most influential comic books of all-time, I am not blowing smoke up your ass. And let’s face it, you are too cool and aren’t going to take the time to read it anyway so you’ll just have to take my word for it; It’s really fricking good. The story focus’ on a different strength of Batman, and arguably his greatest asset; his brain. In the comics, one of the Bat’s many calling cards is being the “World’s Greatest Detective,” a trait often overlooked in films and comics alike. This movie is not going to be a mindless DCEU (DC Extended Universe) Film, with bland acting and action filled with CGI at every god damn turn. No, this movie is going to be a crime film, a thriller, with the Riddler taking center stage. The premise of The Long Halloween is simple; The Riddler starts wreaking havoc in Gotham, dropping hints (riddles, if you will) to his plots in expert fashion. He is always a few steps ahead of the Bat, and the Dark Knight begins an epic crime investigation, paying visits to many of his arch-rivals to solve the “Enigma” (IYKYK). The Long Halloween is one of the darkest stories in Batman history, delivering a young batman with roughly a year of experience. He doesn’t have a multitude of fancy gadgets, sporting normal black combat boots and a leather mask, which can be seen in the trailer. He isn’t fighting aliens; he isn’t performing outrageous stunts. Bruce Wayne is human, and that will never be more true in this upcoming film. It’s also important to note that this isn’t an origin story. We are going to be thrust into the beginnings of BATMAN, not the beginnings of Bruce Wayne (thank god). Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy was given such high praise because of its realism, and dark tone in nature; The Long Halloween is darker. Based on the trailer alone, the film seems to have captured the essence of the comic book, and that is a VERY good sign. Mix in Andy Serkis playing Alfred Pennyworth, Jeffrey Wright playing Commissioner Gordon, Collin Farrell as the Penguin, and Zoe Kravitz as Catwoman, and you have terrific, gritty actors everywhere, and I love it; you should too.

The Batman is still far from release (THANKS covid), coming out in October of 2021; yet another reference to the source material. To wrap this up, I won’t bother you with all the easter eggs littering the trailer, but my god there is one that has my excitement through the roof. At the 1:40 minute mark, Patterson’s Batman absolutely beats the dog shit out of a thug for simply asking him his name (LOL). He then proceeds to begin to say one of the more famous comic book lines from Batman history: I am VENGEANCE.

To quote the Long Halloween, it goes as follows.

I am Vengeance. I am the Night. I am… Batman.

Get fucking hyped folks, this movie is going to be Oscar worthy. I’m calling it now.

[ Trailer Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fxbzD_CSD8 ]

The Padres Just Bodybagged the Entire State of Texas

pic.twitter.com/H6QxjrBrpW

— Slam Diego Padres (@Padres) August 23, 2020

For the past 7 games the Padres played the AL Wests two representatives from the great state of Texas and won all 7 games. If you live under a rock you know that Rangers Manager Chris Woodward set off one of the biggest bitch fits in Major League Baseball this year that would even make the likes of the entire Milwaukee Brewers organization proud, when Fernando Tatis Jr. hit a grand slam on a 3-0 pitch up 7 runs (read more about the dumb unwritten rules of baseball here). Since then the Padres have hit like 22 grand slams and beat every team in that state they decided to send out that tweet above.

This is the perfect tweet for a couple of reasons. The old people won't get it so there's no way they can't get truly mad about it. Any sports writer over the age of 40 has no idea what's going on here. They'll see and just think "this is just another one of them kids spongesquare memes". They might not even know its Spongebob because he's not even a square in these pictures. Another reason it's great is because it gets cheap likes and retweets with the young crowd, nothing like pandering using a showed thats been meme'd to death for clout. I honestly respect the move. 

This is an A+ tweet from the Slam Diego Padres twitter account to own the entire population of the State of Texas. Pretty ballsy move to attack an entire state that has the 2nd highest population in the country, but if you can talk the talk...

BIG DICK RICK HAHN BODYBAGS THEO; Sox win series.

 

    Folks... he's done it again. Big Dick Rick Hahn just got done publicly humiliating Theo Epstein so badly, that it'd be easy to mistake him for the weird kid that chose to do stand up comedy at my 6th grade talent show. Ricky boy once again showed why he's the Windy City's best baseball GM as the White Sox thoroughly dominated the Cubs this weekend, winning 2 out of 3 and sending the Cubs panicking. 

    It's not that Theo isn't used to it. Rick Hahn pummeled the shit out of Theo Epstein quite a few times, as many will remember when Hahn FLEECED Epstein by convincing him to give up Eloy Jimenez, Dylan Cease, and two other prospects for Jose Quintana. It's getting so bad that I would expect Rick Hahn to join a pyramid scheme, just because he's so confident that he can get that absolute loser Theo Epstein to buy everything for him and make Hahn even richer. 

    Haters and losers will point to Epstein winning a title with the Red Sox and Cubs, but the Red Sox were already loaded and they only hired him after Billy Beane turned them down. Sure, he won with the Cubs, but many people will also tell you that the Cubs winning a World Series convinced God that Hell had frozen over, and since God thought no longer had to worry about his arch nemesis Satan anymore, he took a vacation. That disappearance let Satan have time to do bad stuff, so basically the Cubs inadvertently caused Coronavirus by winning the World Series. And if you think that's good, you're pretty fucked up. 

    Rick Hahn The Gawd. 

Luka Doncic GOAT convo?

Not to jump the gun, but I think Luka Doncic just surpassed LeBron James and Michael Jordan on the greatest of all time list. Dropping 43 points, grabbing 17 boards, and dishing 13 assists in a must win game 4 of the west conference first round will do that for you. But seriously, Luka is a different breed, sheeeeet he's a different culture. That "white boy," as Trez would say, is something the rest of the NBA isn't ready for. How many guards are grabbing that many boards??? I mean come on.

I'm gonna pump the breaks quick, but I just wanted to acknowledge Luka's performance today. This series could easily be 3-1, in favor of either side, but being tied 2-2 with this Clippers team puts Dallas in a good position. 

FINAL SECONDS RECAP ICYMI:

In the Clippers' last possession, they drew up a nice look for their Morris twin to hit the go ahead three off of a Kawhi drive and dish, but they left The Slovenian Sensation too much time. With a foul to give, Reggie Jackson made the vet move and fouled Luka as he bought it up forcing the Mavs to inbound the ball again with a little over 3 seconds left. Luka rubs off a screen to get open on the top left corner and hits a harden style step back 3 over Reggie Jackson to win the game for Dallas in overtime. 

Cubs Salvage My Sanity, Drop 2 of 3 to White Sox

I missed the Cards vs. Cubs recap. They won 3 of 5 against the Corona-Birds, there's your recap. Onto this weekends action. It's a well known fact the White Sox lineup is absolutely loaded with young and exciting talent, they have a really nice balance of good veteran bats and electric young talent up and down their lineup. That's what made this weekends crosstown series so interesting, the Chicago Cubs, while being the team that has underachieved the past couple of seasons, have successful executed a full on blow it up rebuild that resulted in them winning a World Series, get to take on the Chicago White Sox, who are entering year one of expecting to be competitive after a full tear it down rebuild. Obviously the storyline of sharing the city and who is king of the city and blah blah blah make this fun and intriguing. This is the first time since 2008 that both of these teams are legitimately competitive and that's what makes this so fun. Enough babbling, lets get into what happened.

GAME ONE - White Sox-10, Cubs-1

The Cubs had big dick Jon Lester starting for them and he started like the 58 year old accountant with the smallest package gym locker room instead. This was actually a pretty bad match up for Lester from the jump. It was a perfect storm of ugly for Jon as he tried to take on a Sox lineup that absolutely MASHES left handed pitching and he had a bad night hitting his spots (leaving a 90 MPH cutter over the heart of the plate to Luis fucking Robert is probably not going to work out), this resulting in him giving up 8 earned runs in just 3 2/3 innings of work, thats not great. This was really a beatdown from the jump as the Cubs never got into it with an offense that is sputtering as a whole, but especially against left handing pitching as they could get nothing going all night against Dallas Keuchel. They got their asses whooped by a good team, shit happens.

GAME TWO - White Sox-7, Cubs-4

This was a good matchup for the Cubs. They trotted out the calm and cool Kyle Hendricks and he was a professional as usual. He made a mistake and gave up a bomb to Luis Robert, gave up a few more weak knocks before the modern day Babe fucking Ruth, Jose Abreu, hit a his 3rd of 800 home runs for the weekend. and the Cubs could not get anything going offensively....... again. It actually felt like it couldn't get more infuriating but it someone did (more on that during the Sunday game). But not to bore you with the details but the bullpen shit the bed and the offense had a bunch of fake rallies and the Cubs lost 7-4. 

GAME THREE - Cubs-2, White Sox-1

This felt better. The Cubs had that bad bad man Yu Darvish on the bump to face the RED HOT White Sox and he was spectacular again. Yu went 7 Innings, gave up one run on a mistake pitch the the white hot Jose Abreu, but other than that was just about untouchable as he struck out 10 and gave up only 1 walk. As for how good Yu was, the offense was equally that bad. Now, before any Sox fans that read this chastise me, Dylan Cease has awesome stuff, and he's going to be an awesome pitcher, but he was all over the place. Fastballs down the gut, sliders hanging, he struggles with his location at times. And the fact the Cubs could only manage to squeak 2 runs out of this game was pathetic. They were able to get runners on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out in the 4th and load the bases with 0 (zero) outs in the 5th and scored exactly 0 runs both times. That's actually fucking embarrassing. It's like they just get up there with the bases loaded and just wanna fuck around and play tummy sticks. I mean holy fuck, I can only handle so much. Thankfully Kyle Schwarber saved the day with a 2 run shot before Craig Kimbrel and Jeremy Jeffress made us shit our pants for 2 innings.

The Cubs head to Detroit team that I know has some fun young arms, so naturally the Cubs probably won't be able to touch them. First pitch is 6:10 pm CST tomorrow night.

NBA 2020 Mock Draft

1. Minnesota Timberwolves: LaMelo Ball (PG, USA)

The Timberwolves win the NBA lottery for the second time in 6 years and basically the 3rd time in 7 years when you consider the trade for Wiggins. KAT has turned into a high tier Center and Wiggins was flipped into the young rising star, DeAngelo Russell. I think they take the 6'7" point guard because it's about time the T-wolves have a player with some clout. There's not enough excitement in MN and the youngest Ball brother will bring plenty of that. Oh yeah, and he's a dawg on the court too. Don't screw this up, Timberwolves.

2. Golden State Warriors: James Wiseman (C, Memphis)

The Warriors dynasty was cut short by some major injuries this season. More or less, it was put on hold for a year. Next year, Steph and Klay return, and Draymond Green's bum ass couldn't play any worse than last season. With the addition of Wiggins in the middle of the season, they've put together a team that'll be similar to the 15'-16' team. (Wiggins is arguably a better Harrison Barnes, just wants more touches.) The only thing the Warriors have been missing is an elite rim protecting center. James Wiseman will provide for the Warriors what we all feared DeMarcus Cousins would bring to that super team in 2018. Except Wiseman will enter his prime with GS, rather than regress. 

3. Charlotte Hornets: Anthony Edwards (SG, Georgia)

I'm definitely tweaking for having someone this good fall to no. 3, but I seriously don't think this draft class has a clear cut no.1 pick like previous classes have had. The Hornets need literally everything. They've been directionless for years, and unfortunately I don't know that anyone in this class is changing or saving this organization. But I do think that Anthony Edwards is a good start. With a Donovan Mitchell floor and a D-Wade ceiling, I'm exited to see Edwards' career pan out.

4. Chicago Bulls: Deni Avdija (SF, Israel) 

Congrats to Chicago for jumping out of the purgatory that is the 7th pick in the NBA Draft. Hiring Karnisovas as the new VP of basketball operations and firing Jim Boylen is a good start for Chicago digging its way out of their situation. We'll see what other moves they make, but drafting 4th helps. Deni Avdija is a lot like Toni Kukoc in the way that he plays big but is also a playmaker. He would compliment Lavine well. We'll probably see the Bulls projected 7th in the 2021 NBA Draft too.

5. Cleveland Cavaliers: Onyeka Okongwu (PF/C, USC)

Onyeka is everything I thought Cam Lard was at Iowa State. Wait my readers aren't familiar with CAMERON LARD?? Whatever, undersized centers with explosive offensive abilities. He doesn't stretch the floor too much, but he has the ability to get himself to the rack with ease. Cleveland's situation is similar to the Hornets. I'm sure they're still riding the high of the days with LeBron. I don't blame them, but eventually they'll have to bring in some new talent that can make a run in the east. I like their combination of young pieces and vets, but they still have a ways to go.

6. Atlanta Hawks: Tyrese Haliburton (PG, Iowa State)

I'm so fuckin biased lmfao. I haven't seen a mock draft with him going above 9th, but no please bare with me here, hear me out... Haliburton is the second best guard in this draft. Lamelo is the flashy pick, Tyrese is the SAFE pick. One thing Haliburton does exceptionally is protect and distribute the rock. His A/TO  ratio at ISU was near 5/1. A 6'5" playmaker to play alongside an elite scoring point guard in Trae Young could be a nasty combo. It's optimistic, but this is MY mock draft jerks. 

7. Detroit Pistons: Cole Anthony (PG, UNC)

I don't even think Cole Anthony is good but here we are. Pistons: you're stuck with him. He's short and ugly. I actually know two people who had that same take on Trae Young and look how wrong they were. I assume I'm wrong about Cole too. 

8. New York Knicks: Killian Hayes (PG, France)

I, like many other NBA scouts, have seen very little of Killian Hayes. Apparently he only played in ten games this year and there isn't much footage of him. Except the reason I haven't seen him is because I'm too ignorant to watch guys not playing in NCAA basketball games and also I'm not a fucking scout. But I have read that he averaged 7 ppg in a professional league at 17 years old. He's also a 6'5" ball handler and idk he just screams Knicks to me. I wanted to mock up the Knicks taking a PF so bad, but alas, I'll give them a guard.

9. Washington Wizards: RJ Hampton (PG, USA)

I wonder when the Wizards will move on from their all star duo of Beal and Wall. I definitely think this draft will find them at least a temporary point guard replacement. It's hard to guess what John Wall's career will look like once he returns, so whoever Washington drafts could find themselves being a longterm solution. From watching highlights, RJ is noticeably faster than everyone on the court fwiw. He's also young and tall. The NBA loves young and tall.

10. Phoenix Suns: Isaac Okoro (SF, Auburn)

Okuru is a bit undersized for a forward but he might be the most athletic player in this class. I'm probably sleeping on his potential a little bit to have him falling to 10, but I like his fit in Phoenix. He'd be a solid role player right away with some Derrick Jones Jr. potential. Maybe not THAT explosive, but that play style. 

11. San Antonio Spurs: Obi Toppin (PF, Dayton)

Obi will not fall to 11th. I don't even know how this happened in my mock. BUT IF HE DOES, Spurs are taking best available. 

12. Sacramento Kings: Precious Achiuwa (PF, Memphis)

The Kings are so close to escaping the lottery. DeAaron Fox and Buddy Hield are such a solid back court, and with some solid role players they are a legit threat to sneak into the west playoffs. Unfortunately, the west is stacked per usual, and even the young teams are starting to come together. Will be interesting to see who makes the developmental jump between Sacramento, Phoenix, New Orleans, and Memphis. 

13. New Orleans Pelicans: Tyrese Maxey (SG, Kentucky) 

Ditto to my Kings analysis. Maxey would fit nicely as a scoring guard with more of a Lou Williams role. 

14. Boston Celtics: Devin Vassell (SG, Florida State)

How the hell is Boston in the lottery every single year. I feel like we're living in someone's 2k simulation. 

My Old Nemesis Curt Schilling Is In Deep Shit

 

My old nemesis Curt Schilling has recently been linked in connection with Steve Bannon's Build The Wall Group that got him arrested. I'm not a lawyer, I'm not a judge, I'm at best a common criminal with a penchant for petty theft. None of this super intense federal shit, so I'm not going to pretend like I understand any of it. 

I have a code, I only steal and nick stuff from big corporations and only when I'm especially bored or needing attention, but my old nemesis Curt Schilling is fucked. That stupid chudsky fucked up the second he made an eternal enemy out of me. Folks, Curt Schillings bloody sock is only the 3rd biggest fraud he's committed, along with bankrupting the literal state of Rhode Island and what appears to be federal fraud. I don't know, I'm not going to read the case or figure it out in any stretch of the imagination, but I will be vehemently rooting for Curt Schilling to end up in prison with a die hard Yankees fan that lost millions of dollars on the 2004 ALCS

This was tweeted about 2 weeks before Curt was fired from ESPN for being a racist douchebag. Many people have called me the puppet master. The man pulling the strings at ESPN, one of the most powerful influencers in sports media, and others have called me an Azz Clown (Sp). To me, I'm not a puppet master. I'm the hero twitter needs, but doesnt deserve. I'm the Dark Knight of Twitter, and Curt Schilling is my Joker. And like the Joker, I expect Curt to die of an overdose within 4 years. Fuck Curt Schilling and fuck his stupid face, I win. 

NBA: Playoff Update

My friends here at Average at Best dubbed me the NBA guru and it went to my head as I poorly predicted some first round action. As I stated on my personal account: I'm guilty of watching box scores and highlights. I'm sorry! But you can't tell me Skip Bayless has ever watched an NBA game and that man gets paid. Our bar may not be that low, but come on it's in the name "Average at Best."

Both one seeds lost game 1. Hasn't happened since 2003. Tough to predict there, but the trailblazers weren't even crazy big underdogs in the sports book. It's hard to bet against Dame but it's even harder to bet against LeBron. (After some research, LeBron is close to 50/50 both a the favorite and as an underdog ATS, so to claim it's hard to bet against him is more of my personal opinion.) In 2003, both of the one seeds went on to win their series, however they weren't playing on a neutral court without fans. Obviously neither team is ready to hit the panic button, but this is the bubble so be prepared for some ridiculous upsets that fans will try to asterisk away given the circumstances. 

imagine playing a team called THE ORLANDO MAGIC in a series entirely played at DisneyWorld and thinking you can defeat them. they have harnessed the energy of their true spiritual home and have become Too Powerful

— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) August 18, 2020

My hot take on the Mavericks doesn't feel so crazy after 1.5 games. (As I write, the Mavs are up at half.) They are down 0-1, but Kristaps Porzingis was ejected on some soft shit. ESPN says he was "being an escalator" in the situation. If that's the case, Pat Bev should be out every game he's ever played in. Had Kristaps finished the game, it's hard to say the Mavericks wouldn't have pulled it off. Luka had a casual 42, 9, & 7 and the unicorn added another 14 points in limited play time. Tim Hardaway Jr. had 18 but he was also throwing shit at the hoop. The Knicks really paid that guy LMFAOOOOO. Clippers played well though obviously well enough to win. They forced Luka into double digit turnovers. Kawhi and PG combined for 56 and PG hit a dagger late in the 4th to put it away. 

“Luka is too obvious, let’s do Porzingis” pic.twitter.com/m2eP6ws0aI

— All Celtics are Bad (@NashDelirium) August 18, 2020

Side note: Why does it seem like Kawhi never scores more than 30? I'm definitely wrong to think this. Let me fact check again. Oh Jesus, Kawhi had 14 thirty point games in the playoffs alone last year. NVM. NBA Guru strikes again.

Kawhi's 14 30-point games in a single postseason tie him with Kobe and LeBron for the most in the last 10 years 💯 pic.twitter.com/dPmmSAaPkh

— NBA on ESPN (@ESPNNBA) June 8, 2019

Another series that appears to be a huge miss: Celtics are up 2-0 after tonight. In my defense I said BOTH the Celtics and 76ers are overrated. I guess the 76ers are just more overrated. I had Philly in 7, so we can't write that one off quite yet. 

Anyways, Heat, Raptors, Rockets, & Nuggets all handled their business for me. Stay tuned for another brief NBA update here soon. 

Thom Brennaman Got Stuck In The Trash

   

Well Thom Brennaman stepped in the poopy today. The Reds announcer was caught calling an undisclosed city the "Fag Capital Of The World", and folks, it's not good. Thom Brennaman, the Cincinnati Reds, and Major League Baseball should listen to me when we talk exit strategies. The damage is done, but how do we mitigate it? Here's how

Plan 1: Richmond, Virginia is considered the tobacco capital of the world. At one point 25% of the cigarettes in circulation were based out of Richmond. The British love to call their cigarettes Fags. Thom's dad Marty is from Portsmouth, Virginia, which if my knowledge of Virginia is correct, is in the same state as Richmond and probably pretty close. So now we have Thom pivot to telling a story about his dad in Richmond, which could be considered the Fag Capital of the world if you're talking about cigarettes. This might be the actual case, there's really no way to know. 

Plan B: I'm an expert on mitigating bad situations, because I'm not afraid to resort to Plan B. Much like a 19 year girl with a bright future and a 3 week delayed period, Thom wants to get rid of this bad situation as quickly as possible. Enter: Conspiracy Theory. Thom and the Reds start circulating rumors that this is a deep fake hoax being perpetrated by the Houston Astros, because the Astros actually hate gay people. This shifting of the blame to an organization with a target on its back is fool proof. You tell people the Astros hacked your top secret databases and planted a deep fake bug sounding exactly like Thom Brennaman on the broadcast, but it wasn't actually Thom that said it. By the time the tech nerds figure out its a lie, everyone will become preoccupied with the next really bad thing that happens. Pushing the blame down the line, and wait for another franchise to blatantly break COVID protocol, Trump to start WW3, or another college football coach says the N Word. Just wait it out baby,

The Absolutely Heinous "Unwritten" Rules of Baseball

    

    All of the rules of the game of baseball are written already, in fact you can review them all in a 188 page PDF right here. However, the rest that is unwritten is not a bunch of bangers like Natasha Bedingfield's first studio album. If you have the time and the will power to sift through this monster of a rule book, you'll find the following "rules" not included:

No bunting to break up a no hitter.

No admiring or "pimping" home runs.

Do not steal bases if your team is up by 5+ runs

Pitchers do not call their fielders out for making errors

Do not swing on 3-0 if your team is up by a large margin.

    There are a few others that we are missing, but many of the unwritten rules have nothing to do with the actual game play, and more with common courtesy between batters/pitchers/innings etc. And I'll be honest, those unwritten rules I can deal with. 

    Yeah, you shouldn't stand in the batter's box while the pitcher is warming up. We in the biz just call that a "dick move" though. Also yes, when you're hit by a pitch, don't rub it. But that's more of an alpha move than an unwritten rule. There are some unwritten baseball rules that do make sense, but the ones that do are mostly just basic etiquette of the game.

    HOWEVER, I did not forgot about the literal shit list that I mentioned earlier. Obviously because that's what we're  here to  talk about. As a former college baseball player, and a player who both pitched and played the field, I am here to offer my opinion on why the "unwritten rules" of baseball are not only bullshit, but contradictory to the spirit and the fun behind actually  playing baseball. 

    So firstly let's address bunting during a no-hitter. I'll say this one is the most flawed from the start because it comes with so many caveats. Obviously if you're the leadoff hitter in a game, there's no hits on the board yet. But it's okay to bunt your way on base safely in the top of the first right? Then why is it such an issue with 1 out in the 7th when your team is trying to win the game the same way they were in the 1st inning? It doesn't make sense to me and the line where it is acceptable is different to every crotchety old man out there, so why are we making a big deal out of it? 

    The game that immediately comes to my mind when thinking about this rule is the no-hitter that the late Doc Halladay threw against the Reds in 2010. If we remember, Brandon Phillips tried to bunt his way on with 2 outs in the 9th inning, and the old men of baseball went into a frenzy. However none of this mattered because Carlos Ruiz was still able to throw him out in time to seal the no-no. 

    Unlike traditionalist baseball though, I'm cool with the bunt attempt with 2 outs in the 9th inning. I think the idiotic part of that was that he bunted with 2 strikes, but that's why he's paid millions of dollars a year to play baseball and I sit behind my keyboard and  write about it. It's not just this situation though, if it were a regular season game, a straight up  shutout, or a perfect game, I think baseball players should be doing everything they can to get on base. If the pitcher or catcher can't field a bunt, that is on them.

    Same thing goes for stealing when a team is up by a ton. If the pitcher is lazy to the plate and the catcher has a shit pop-time, then that is on them if a runner decides to take a base. Bases come at a huge premium in the MLB and I can tell you right now every speedster out there is looking to pass old Rickey (not that it will ever happen). 

    The only one on here that I semi-agree  with is the fact that pitchers shouldn't call out their fielders for making errors. The shortstop in me says that's right because the one pitcher who ever tried to call me out for making an error took a 102 exit velocity line drive off the jaw the very next pitch, so I don't want to fuck with baseball karma like that. On the other hand, people like Andrelton Simmons and Francisco Lindor are paid stupid amounts of money to do one thing and one thing only on a baseball field: play fucking defense. So if your guys aren't backing you up inning after inning, game after game, I'm totally on a pitcher's side if they want to collectively call out their infield. 

    Now this brings us to the two remaining unwritten rules: pimping home runs and swinging on a 3-0 count when your team is killing the opponent. We've seen one of these be the subject of a good amount of bench-clearing brawls in recent years; and the former is, of course, the subject of discussion surrounding Fernando "Future Face of Baseball" Tatis Jr., and the softer-than-baby-shit Texas Rangers.

    I'll address these one at a time because I feel like they are separate issues. So firstly let's talk about pimping home runs. I'm sorry, I may have missed something in the 18+ years I was playing the sport; but last  time I checked, baseball is a GAME. Also last I checked, games are  meant to be FUN. I could not give a smaller fuck about a pitcher whose feelings got hurt because someone celebrated hitting a 500ft tank shot off of them. 

    Baseball is meant to be fun, it is a game played for the entertainment of others and the fulfillment of those skilled enough to do so. I am a lowly technology consultant and you bet your ass I celebrate if I make a big sale and beat out a competitor. Why should it be different, do we really expect a bunch of the most elite athletes in the world, who are mostly between 22-30 years old, to not get excited when they excel at their job?! And nonetheless, a job that is also, in case I haven't mentioned it yet, a GAME. So next time your grandpa wants to complain about Bryce or Bregman standing in the box too long or flipping the absolute life out of their bat after dick slapping a 500ft bomb, tell grandpa he's the killer of joy and needs to lighten the fuck up. Also tell Papelbon to get good.

    So that brings us to  the issue of Fernando Tatis and the Texas Rangers. I think there's two very simple resolutions to this argument, and both have been mentioned before. The first is that this is a goddamn game. If Ian Gibaut is so embarrassed after giving up a granny down 10-3, I feel no sympathy. The fact of the matter is he and his team allowed  the bases to be loaded. He then threw 3 straight pitches outside the strike zone. Which side note, is really fucking hard to do, especially as a guy whose job it is to come in, throw strikes, and get the game over with. Then, with the bases loaded, down 3-0 in the count and 10-3 overall in the game, Gibaut throws a knee-high 92 MPH baby cutter that looked like a high school pitch minus the velocity. Of course Tatis spanked that fucker like a red headed step child.

    My last issue with this is the Ranger's base coach calling out Tatis for it. Chris Woodward had no issues being on the other side of the same situations. He celebrated with Corey Seager a couple years ago in almost the exact same scenario. All of this to get an apology from Tatis. AN APOLOGY? Imagine being so good at your job, that you end up having to apologize to the team your just embarrassed because they couldn't deal with their own inferiority. 

    Absolutely pitiful showing by the Rangers. To not only get  beat 14-3, but to then bitch and moan about the best young player in the game putting your team on blast, that's a new low. Texas Rangers, get fucking good.

    The unwritten rules of baseball remain unwritten for one reason: they are bullshit. They are some arbitrary way for old men to measure a baseball player's acumen of the game, and they are a crutch for purist to lean on when they don't like how fucking cool of a game baseball is becoming.

The only unwritten rule that should remain is:

DO NOT EVER TALK ABOUT A NO HITTER.

    That's my two cents, let me know what you think in the comments. Any grievances or Rangers-esque bitching can be directed to: harrisonhilman78@gmail.com

Bless,

Theo Mills

Cheap, Bullshit Detroit Tigers Announce Plan To Stop Being Shitty

 

Big day for hopeless Tiger fans everywhere. Many fans, including myself, thought that the glory days of getting swept in the playoffs with Cy Young Award Winners David Price, Justin Verlander, Max Scherzer and Anibal Sanchez with Triple Crown Winner Miguel Cabrera and Nick Castellanos, JD Martinez, Ian Kinsler, Torii Hunter, and Victor Martinez in the line up were over. The former first place Tigers are on the outside looking in on their playoff hunt this year, and recently decided to call up future Super stars Casey Mize, Tarik Skubal and Isaac Paredes. 

This is an encouraging sign for a dogshit team to call up their best prospects, because as everyone that's ever played MLB The Show for 13 hours at a time to avoid coming to terms with their parents impending marital separation could tell you, starting the service time clock gets way more expensive. The Tigers have finally decided to return to the glory days of disappointment, World Series losses, and embarrassing sweeps with loaded rosters. No longer will we go 48-114 as the kids are going to be alright. 

Considering how bad the Tigers pitchers have been, their starting pitchers ERA is well above 9 runs, Mize and Skubal will both be monster wins even if they bring total mediocrity. Big Cock Casey Mize and Tarik The Freak have ace starting pitching stuff, and Isaac Paredes is going to be a stud. I personally haven't watched any of them, but I've played the Show a ton, and I'm excited to pretend like I know what's going on. Let's fucking go. 

This Absolute Legend Is Back On His Bullshit:

 

    Take a good long look at the picture. This man is our new overlord, and a champion of reasonable men everywhere. This absolute legend's name is Elliot Shorr-Parks and folks, I guess we should start calling him Elliot Whore-Barks, because he's got women barking in pleasure after he lays down that A1 hog game on them. This is the face of a man that would cuck you with your girlfriend, and there's nothing you can do about it. But that's besides the point, yesterday ESP tweeted that: 

 "I could maybe score a touchdown. I could luck into a home run. I could probably get two points in an NBA game. I could play hundreds of games of hockey and never, ever score a goal. It looks impossible."

    This is the time of things I would say in the middle of a Bipolar break from reality. In between feverishly researching the clearcut links between the small business owner that declined my month expired coupon for $1 off a sandwich and Jeffrey Epstein, and forgetting that my toilet is clogged before shitting in it, I would also probably say a similar thing as ESP. 

There seems to be a running trend of people thinking they're more athletic and more talented than they are. The average person could maybe, and I say MAYBE get a base hit off of a major league pitcher. Over 162 games and an average of 4 at bats a game, I think that enough people could time it up well enough by game 90-95 to throw their bat across the strike zone to put a tiny little single over the 2nd baseman. But no one, especially not the Notorious ESP could actually expect to put enough of a whack on a journeyman relievers slider to hit it 350 feet over the fence. There's no chance of the home run, but I respect the effort.

Next, I don't believe he could score a touchdown either. ESP probably thinks that he could punch in a 1 yard touchdown out of a goal line set, because he'd never get off the line against any NFL Corner. Regardless, I think that he'd probably get mashed into a pile of dust by a blitzing Khalil Mack, and he'd be out of the game with a broken neck pretty soon. People forget how strong NFL players are, and even from the one, this little slut isn't reaching pay dirt.

Lastly we have the NBA. ESP thinks he can get a bucket, and I don't hate the optimism. 82 games, all he has to do is be left open enough once for the ball to go through the basket. But so much of the NBA is about getting open, and even the laziest of defenders are going to be locking up ESP. You can almost guarantee that he's not getting the ball, so if you lock him down, you get to spend less energy on defense. Even if he did get the ball, the shot is getting blocked before it even releases out of his hand. No chance our 5'7 manlet is getting the ball over Brandon Clarke's outstretched arms, much less Giannis or Anthony Davis coming to close out. I guess if you gave him 10 open 3's a game, he may make 1 or 2 in a season.

I would actually say the NHL is the easiest to score a goal in, because if he gets knocked unconscious, it's easier for his NHL teammates to bank in an empty netter off of the size of this lads forehead. Corralling it against the boards? Nah, throw it off this asshole's landing strip of a forehead and call it a day.

Sorry Elliot, you may be the big swinging dick of beat writing twitter, you may be up to your neck in hot snatch, and you may be cucking me, but you will NEVER be an athletic success in any major sports league. You dumb bitch.

Mitch is BACK

In case you missed it, here is 2017 #2 overall pick Mitch Trubisky dropping an absolute dimeball to All-Pro (and definitely not overpaid) Tight End Jimmy Graham.

.@TheJimmyGraham is settling riiiight in. 🏈💥 pic.twitter.com/lEU8XKyipQ

— Chicago Bears (@ChicagoBears) August 16, 2020

Mitch has had his ups and downs as the Quarterback of the Chicago Bears and after coming off a year in which he struggled mightily (while other quarterbacks drafted after him succeeded wildy), he has some competition with Big Dick Nick Foles breathing down his neck. But this single throw from skelly in a practice in no pads tells me Mitch is ready to win the QB job and take the next step for the Bears. Road to 16-0 start with Mitch. 

ESPNs New Monday Night Team: Booger Out

 

    ESPN announced their new Monday Night Football broadcasting team, and unfortunately Booger McFarland didn't make the cut. When Booger wasn't advocating spiking the ball on 4th down in the playoffs, he was saying such platitudes like "Khalil Mack isn't athletic enough to beat offensive linemen anymore". Booger was a pretty fun announcer, but he never should have been given that much responsibility. I personally always thought he was just a placeholder for when Peyton Manning became the MNF Guy after Eli retired, but I guess Manning is going to hold off on that a little more. Booger and Tess are OUT. Now in we have:

Steve Levy: Steve Levy's well coifed hair and perfectly tailored suits make him a perfect fit for ESPN's most glamorous position. He's worked his way up the ranks in ESPN, which either means he's incredibly talented, or has been around long enough to know exactly how many dead hookers are buried on ESPN's main campus following insane coke fueled parties by ESPN executives. Either way, Levy knows how to play the game, and I expect a pretty good season from our well dressed Picasso. Grade is a B+

Brian Griese: Former NFL Journeyman Quarterback Brian Griese takes home the coveted analyst gig, and while a lot of people might question Griese's addition to the team, I would like to remind people that this is National Champion Brian Griese, and Super Bowl Champion Brian Griese, and "3-0 Against Ohio State Brian Griese". The former Michigan Quarterback lead his Wolverines to an undefeated championship in 1997, and most importantly, he kept his backup Tom Brady on the bench. I can't wait to have BG regale us with stories on how he used to make Tom Brady clean his cleats or get donuts for the QB room, or have sex with the ugliest groupie. Just normal hazing stuff that people do with their backups. Grade: A+ (Never lost to Ohio State, won title)

Louis Riddick: The Chronicles of Louis Riddick continue with him landing a very coveted post as the third man in the MNF booth. The scrappy safety carved out a career on basically grit, and then became the Eagles director of player personnel before being run out of town by football guru Chip Kelly who led the Eagles to multiple successful seasons of missing the playoffs while Riddick became an on air personality for PCespn (shoutout Clay Travis the GAWD for opening my eyes). Riddick is cool, and I like him and he also never lost to Ohio State in college, so I'll ive him an A+ as well.

All in all, a solid booth, and just what ESPN needs to hold out until they land Peyton Manning or another big name quarterback. Because it's coming. 

Cubs get Nighengaled, Drop 3 of 4 vs. Milwaukee Brewers, Cubs vs. Cards Preview

I just wanna get one thing off the ground here, I fucking hate the Milwaukee Brewers. No fanbase has acted so high and mighty over the better part of three seasons without winning shit than the Brewers, expect probably Yankees fans. Cardinals fans are right up there too but they just remind me of an old guy that sits around and bitches about iPhones and talks about the good ole days. Maybe I'm a salty bitch because they actually have literally been better than the Cubs the past of couple of seasons, maybe I'm just pissed that outside of Christian Yelich they're a team of replacement level to slightly above replacement level players that seem to have big, fluky years then drop off the face of the planet Earth, looking at you Eric Thames and Jesus Aguilar. Whatever.

The Cubs came into the weekend with the best rotation in baseball and coming off a series in which they scored 14 runs in 2 games against an Indians club that hadn't given up 4 runs in a game all year up to that point. Then this happen.

The #Cubs (12-3) running away with the NL Central with 5 1/2 game lead. They have an .800 winning percentage. No one in #MLB even has .700 winning percentage. Magic Number: 39

— Bob Nightengale (@BNightengale) August 13, 2020

This may actually the worst thing to happen to the Cubs in 2020, they got fucking Nightengaled. I went from being pissed about bad ABs and Willson Contreras all of a sudden forgetting how to lay off a breaking ball to getting furiously red with rage when I saw this reappear on my timeline Sunday. It's just poetic how Bob tweets this and the Cubs are 1-3 since and have lost 3 straight by one run.

I feel better now that I got to vent. It's baseball, it's a game that makes you want to pull your hair out. If you would've told me in Mid-July that the Cubs would be 13-6 at this point in the year I would have been through the roof. Time to pack it up and move onto to the next series. Circling back to the Cardinals, they come to town for 5 games in three days at Wrigley. I guess the Cubs will be visitors for a couple of them as they are trying to make up the fuck ton of games since their irresponsible escapades that put the whole team on the Corona IL.  Nothing would make me feel better after this weekend than taking at least 4 of these 5 games from the Cards and that starts with taking 2 games today starting at 4:15 local time. Kyle Hendricks, dragged his 88 mph tossing balls all over the Cards in 2019, starts game 1 and after that we have no fucking clue who throws the rest of the games for the Cubs and neither do they. 

Seems fitting for 2020, "fuck it, we'll figure it out.

Go Cubs... Cards Suck

NBA PLAYOFFS: Predicting the East

 Yesterday, the Blazers defeated the Grizzlies in their mini series to determine the Western Conference 8th seed. Congrats to the six of us who correctly guessed that. It makes my Western Conference preview look way better in hindsight. Before the east tips off tomorrow at 3:00, I want to get some Average at best predictions and previews out there: 

FIRST ROUND: 

The Eastern Conference in my lifetime has been so top heavy and thus created some lop sided matchups in round one. This year is no different for the Bucks vs. Magic. Honestly not gonna entertain this one too much. Jonathon Isaac fell from my my 178th favorite NBA player down to 359th, right ahead of Solomon Hill. Bucks in six? No grab the broom please. 

Prediction: Bucks 4-0

Magic vs. Bird? Close, Pacers vs. Heat is bringing us a whole series of TJ Warren vs. Jimmy Butler. We all know about their feud, but Jimmy Butler says "[the beef] is something of the past." We'll see if TJ feels the same way. After being called trash in January, TJ warren came out HOT in the bubble averaging nearly 40 ppg on 65.3% shooting. I'm guessing bubble rules aren't allowing them to kiss again, though. Both these teams are sneaky good and honestly I think they could both challenge the Bucks in the second round. 

Prediction: Heat 4-3

Probably the best first round matchup in the playoffs: Celtics vs. 76ers. I'm not a huge fan of either of these teams or the hype around them. Lately, I've felt that both Boston and Philly have been super overrated and un-impressive in their playoff performances since 2018. That being said, I think it makes for a perfect matchup. One of these teams needs to be knocked out early and reevaluate where they are as an organization. I think the 76ers just have a more complete roster than the Celtics. I gotta trust the process here. 

Prediction: 76ers 4-3

Ditto for what I said about the Magic. Raptors vs. Nets isn't the most attractive matchup, but just be impressed how well the Nets did in the 2019 free agency. Kevin Durant receives a bonus for making the playoffs too, a real life representation of getting an A after doing nothing for the group. More impressive to me though: The Raptors are a better team without Kawhi Leonard. Will they win a championship again? I don't think so, but that doesn't take away from them being a top team in the NBA. Side note: Karma will catch up to them for how they did DeMar. Just probably not in the first round of the playoffs.

Prediction: Raptors 4-0

NBA PLAYOFFS: Predicting the West

We get playoff basketball tomorrow we get playoff basketball tomorrow we get playoff basketball tomorrow we get... Holy hell, those eight regular season games took forever but the NBA playoffs are finally here and in new fashion? That's right baby the Western Conference starts the playoffs tomorrow with a playin game between the Trailblazers and Grizzlies. If the Blazers win, they earn the 8th playoff spot while the Grizzlies need to to win against Portland twice to earn the spot. Two teams with losing records battling it out to get swept by the Lakers gives off major March Madness energy. 

Quick RIP to the Suns. 8-0 wasn't enough.

FIRST ROUND:

Alright so based on our Average at Best fan poll, 0% of our followers want to see Memphis as the 8th seed so for round one we have: Lakers vs. Trailblazers. As I mentioned previously, neither team is going to take down LeBron and AD in round one. There was so much hype riding on three mediocre teams (which don't get me wrong, I love the hype) when in reality the eighth seeds have advanced to the second round only five times since the 1983-84 season. That being said, a Blazers 8th seed seems better than your average 8th seed. Coming off a WCF trip in 2019 and with the star power of Dame, Portland is a sneaky team. 

Prediction: Lakers 4-1 

One of my favorite matchups in the playoffs is this 4 vs. 5 in the west: Rockets vs. Thunder. Everyone is aware of the blockbuster trade that sent Russell Westbrook to Houston and officially started the Thunder's rebuild, but everyone doesn't consider... The thunder finished with the same record as the Rockets and right behind in the standings. People were writing off the Thunder as Chris Paul's gravestone where he would spend the last few years of his career in Oklahoma with a tanking team. People were wrong. I am people. The Thunder will be able to create mismatches for the Rockets' size (like literally every other team) but I don't see them outplaying Brodie and the Beard. 

Prediction: Rockets 4-2 

This next series holds near and dear to my heart. We got the Nuggets vs. Jazz. Both teams have third tier all stars with the exception that Nikola Jokic could be a tier two guy. (might fuck around with tiermaker to explain my opinion there) But, you know what else both teams have? That's right, an Iowa State alumni playing in a meaningful role. Denver's Monte Morris is one of the better backup point guards in the league and Utah's Georges Niang is an excellent offensive threat at the 4 or 3 position. 

Prediction: Nuggets 4-1

One of the best 2 vs 7 matchups I've seen in awhile: Clippers vs. Mavericks. This series has everything. Elite star-power, explosive scorers, lock down defenders, and maybe even Kawhi's laughter. Luka and Kristaps are comfortably in the top 6 for PPG in the bubble, although their 3-5 bubble record wouldn't show it. The Clippers did not impress in their eight games either, but it's hard to doubt Kawhi Leonard and Paul George. No fuck that, I'm doubting them and the entire Clippers organization. This is the best season the Clippers franchise has ever had and after a first round exit, they'll be rebranding and relocating. 

Prediction: Mavericks 4-3 

JIM BOYLEN FIRED AS HEAD COACH OF THE CHICAGO BULLS

OFFICIAL: Boylen relieved as Bulls head coach.

— Chicago Bulls (@chicagobulls) August 14, 2020

 

The entire city of Chicago right now @barstoolchicago pic.twitter.com/0tjQVIfuA1 https://t.co/C1nqGVO9ku

— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) August 14, 2020

When the Bulls brought in Arturas Karnisovas on board in April to head up the Basketball Operations of the Bulls, I think just about everyone and their brother expected Boylen to be removed from his position swiftly along with all the other changes that happened around the front office, that did not happen. Instead, the front office underwent sweeping changes and Boylen remained put. As the saga dragged on throughout the summer we heard Boylen release a couple of statements all along the lines of him saying he would be "blindsided" if he was let go as head coach.

These same sentiments were echoed in reports that Jim Boylen has had full support from ownership and Jon Paxson (who isn't making basketball decisions anymore). This made me about 99.7% sure Boylen's toe head would be back strolling the sidelines next year. Well we found out this morning I was dead wrong, Jim Boylen has officially been let go by the Chicago Bulls and I think this is probably Zach Lavine when he woke up and heard the news.

Bulls fans rn: pic.twitter.com/ie4aJDLp2Z

— p (@pg13sav) August 14, 2020

With Boylen now gone it feels like all the STINK from the Gar/Pax era has officially been washed away, AK now gets the opportunity to go through a real hiring process and pick his own guy for the job.

Arturas Karnisovas makes the change on Boylen and will start a search right away for his replacement. Among many expected to be considered: Denver assistant Wes Unseld, Jr., former Brooklyn coach Kenny Atkinson; Toronto assistant Adrian Griffin; Bucks assistant Darvin Ham. https://t.co/SxGYny4Biy

— Adrian Wojnarowski (@wojespn) August 14, 2020

Woj mentions these four names here and there will be a blog later on detailing each candidate and who my preferred selection would be for the job. Until then, I need to go wilt away in corporate America for the next 6 hours. Go Bulls. 

Seahawks Rookie Corner Cut for Trying to Sneak Woman Into Team Hotel

 

The #Seahawks cut rookie CB Kemah Siverand this week after he was caught on video trying to sneak a female visitor into the team hotel, per sources.

Clear message on the responsibility everyone has in the NFL’s COVID-19 world: Put the team at risk, suffer the consequences.

— Tom Pelissero (@TomPelissero) August 13, 2020

It's a well know fact that professional athletes are the horniest people on the planet, and it may not even be close. We knew that when these guys get locked up in The Simpson's Movie style bubbles that we would get hilarious stories about how these guys were going to get women that they are interested in inside of the bubble. We've already seen the hilarious Lou Williams story of getting strip club chicken. Well this poor fella just lost his job for it, and the way he tried to pull it off might take the cake for the funniest attempt to sneak someone in.

The woman was wearing #Seahawks gear in an attempt to disguise her as a player, I’m told. It did not work.

— Tom Pelissero (@TomPelissero) August 13, 2020

I mean holy fuck is that laugh out loud funny. I can only picture her scooting over to the nearest Spirit Halloween store and picking up one of these bad boys to try and blend in with the squad.

 

"Wow that was a tough practice today boys, can't wait to get back out there tomorrow!"

Sucks the guy got cut, but the hilarity of how this went down might be my favorite COVID sports moment thus far.

QUICK SHOUT OUT FOR THE TREWPS

 

I was at Chipotle minutes ago because I was getting hangry and needed a burrito bowl with double pico. You know the mood. Anyways as I'm walking out of the restaurant, in walks combat carl himself decked out in his camo army man gear head to toe like he felt the need to blend in with the urban sprawl of Dubuque, Iowa. Naturally, I thank him for his service and give him a kiss on the boots and then another wet one right on the mouth because this MOTHERFUCKER of a "HERO" didn't have a goddamn mask on. (I didn't thank him lol FOH w all that.) 

In Dubuque, Iowa, it is now required to wear a mask (rightfully so) and Chipotle had a very conveniently placed sign on its door reminding its customers of these requirements. Of course the 17 year old making my burrito bowl wasn't gonna stand up to GI-Joe out of the presumable fear of a Chris Kyle level PTSD episode. Frankly, I didn't have time for that either so I kept my mouth shut and left it alone. Here's the part that really got to me though: this boomer pulls up in his truck and walks up to the door as I'm getting in my car. You know what boomer does? Boomer stops, reads the sign, returns to his truck, and masks up. Thank you boomer, you are a true American hero. 

Don't pretend to be above us regular degular civilians when you're in your little green costume. If you want to be thanked for your service, start by doing the right thing and try to be a better citizen. 

Heyward, Rizzo's Chains Carry the Cubs to a Two Game Sweep in Cleveland

The Cubs returned to Cleveland to take on the Indians on a Tuesday and Wednesday night for the first time since... you guessed it, April of 2018 when they split a two game series with the Tribe. Not what you were thinking? Whatever, here's what happened

GAME ONE

Game one we saw Jon Lester do what Jon Lester does and the offense carried by none other than... *checks notes*... Jason Heyward??? Yes idiot Jason Heyward. The Cubs used a big 6th inning to scratch across 5 runs and sparked by a big 3 run yabo by J-Hey. It would be smooth sailing after that. The teams best offensive player Ian Happ added a couple knock and an RBI. Who gave up on this guy after 2018? Couldn't be me, he's unreal and it makes me and many other Cubs fans very glad we will now RARELY get a start from Albert Almora ever again. The Bullpen threw 3 clean innings with Tepera looking solid again and Colin Rea coming in for the last couple of innings. Rea looked sharp, if the Cubs can get some productive innings out of him in this condensed here that would be a massive help to a struggling bullpen. Rea has been a starter in the MLB and was solid before injuries derailed his career. Remember when he got traded to the Marlins for a game, got hurt, and then sent back to the Padres? That was weird. Cubs win 7-1

GAME TWO

Holy Fuck Anthony Rizzo comes out rocking bike chains that would make Rick Ross proud. I mean talk about the Italian Stallion, one of the most obnoxious chains I've seen on the Diamond in a while; and it gave him the power to rope one right over the right field fence to get the scoring going in the first inning. Kyle Hendricks did what he does best, worked quickly and efficiently while throwing a whopping 88 mph. Speaking of The Professor, the Cubs got another Solid outing out of him. 6 sharp innings only giving up one and only getting himself into a bit of a jam in the 5th but working out of it only giving up the one run then. The Cubs got another couple of RBI's from Jason Heyward this game and somehow is the teams RBI machine. Bote added a 2 RBI single as well to add some runs in a crooked 5th inning in which the Cubs plated 3. Oh yeah, KB is good too. He's gotten off to a bit of a slow start but has put together a bunch of good ABs and today drove one WAY out of yard to get in a nice groove. They would go on to get a crun across in both the 8th and 9th inning for insurance and the bullpen gives up one run in 3 innings of work and YOUR Chicago Cubs improves to 12-3 with a 7-2 victory over the Cleveland Indians.

Overall two very well played ballgames in Cleveland after four days off. Onto the Brewers for four games at Wrigley where they can really put a strong grip on the rest of the NL Central this weekend.

Is The 2015 High School Quarterback Class The Best Ever?

 1997 was a special year. Charles Woodson beat out Peyton Manning and Randy Moss for the Heisman, Biggie Smalls released Life After Death, Mike Tyson helped himself to a little earlobe mid fight against Evander Holyfield, and James Cameron released Titanic. But speaking of a sinking ship, Jake Paul was also born. But most importantly, determined parents everywhere saw the athletic feats perpetrated by such icons named Brett Favre, Jeff Hostetler, Gus Frerrotte, and Danny Kanell play quarterback at a level that none had ever seen and made a decision: to birth and raise possibly the greatest quarterback class of all time. 

Fast Forward 18 years and right out of the gate we have #1 QB and 5 star Josh Rosen. Rosen was a first round NFL Draft Choice, and it really doesn't matter what happens next because the check cleared. He still got drafted because of his big swinging cojones, and now he's set bouncing around teams as a backup quarterback for the next 7 years. Racking checks, having sex, and being pretty cool too. This is a win.

The second ranked quarterback from that class was Blake Barnett, and before you say who????, let me remind you that this is National Championship Winner, Blake Barnett. 

That's right, the original BB-8 was more like a BB-Great as he won a national championship with Alabama as a true freshman, before transferring to Arizona State and Southern Florida to major in smoking grass and grabbing ass. A true legend got a ring to seal his legacy, and decided to ride off into the sunset chasing Co-Eds at two party schools before taking his talents outside of football. A legend.

The third quarterback? That's right, Kyler Murray. A Heisman Trophy winning quarterback who also was a first round pick in baseball, before becoming the #1 overall selection in the NFL and winning Rookie of the Year in the NFL is one of footballs great young quarterbacks. Not only is he immensely talented, he's also a role model to men everywhere by proving to them that being 5'10 isn't the reason they weren't talented enough to play professional sports. All hail the short man's Jackie Robinson. 

Next we've got Jarrett Stidham. Stidham started his career at Baylor and then in what can only be described as an unavoidable series of sexual assaults perpetrated by the Baylor football team while being covered up by the Baylor coaching staff, Stidham transferred to Auburn. While at Auburn he beat #1 Georgia and #1 Alabama in back to back games before losing in the SEC Championship and the Peach Bowl to end the season. The loss in the Peach Bowl to UCF allowed those chickenshit losers to claim a national title, making Jarrett Stidham responsible for G5 teams thinking they can beat Bama. Good players win, Great players inspire others. Kudos to you Stidham. 

After we skip over Brandon Wimbush, Deondre Francois, Brady White, Jake Browning, and Ricky Town we get to Big Cock Drew Lock. Drew Lock threw for 12,000 yards while being a 2 time All SEC quarterback, and also not being an overwhelming loser for the Denver Broncos after they selected him in the 2nd round of the NFL Draft. He's big, tall, white, and has a cannon for an arm, which is just how John Elway likes it. I'm just glad Elway decided that being good at football was a requisite this time around. 

Sam Darnold was the 12th QB in 2015, before becoming a top 3 pick in the NFL, and since then the returns have been ok. Darnold has been above average for the Jets, but most importantly he had to miss football because he was too busy playing tonsil hockey with chicks to remember not to get mono. He also played a pivotal role in creating one of America's greatest graphic designs: 

What a champ. Sure, he didn't put together the graphic, but people don't think any less of JFK for not filming the Zapruder film. Sometimes you just need to be in the right place at the right time.

Next we have a couple more Heisman Trophy winners in Joe Burrow and Lamar Jackson. Especially cool that the Tennessee Volunteers took THREE QB's ranked ahead of Joe Burrow and Lamar Jackson in the same class. The future division rivals are both good at sports and absurdly cool.

Before Gardner Minshew was a starting quarterback in the NFL, he was an overlooked and underrated quarterback committed to Troy. He also wears Jorts and that's pretty cool too. Daniel Jones was also in this class, but I'd like to reserve a little more judgement before I pronounce him as "good". 

So all in all, we have 3 Heisman Trophy Winners, 6 First Round picks, 2 other NFL starting QBs and 4 players that switched positions by the time they got to the NFL. All in all, I think that's pretty good.