The Dark Knightengale Rises

"For only the second time since July 26, there is not a single #MLB game already postponed because of COVID-19, and weather permitting, it would be the 1st time since opening weekend there will be a full slate of games."- Bob Nightengale on twitter. Folks our dastardly hero The Dark Knightengale has struck again. Just mere minutes after tweeting the report that no games were getting canceled, Astros-Mets was postponed because of a hurricane. As disappointing as missing baseball is, it's still quite a feat for the Dark Knightengale to consistently get these reports wrong as soon as possible. It's almost as if he's playing all of us, and enjoying a nice little laugh. He's not the hero we deserve, rather the hero we need. While he may be more Joker than Batman, it's important to understand that Bob Nightengale's reverse jinx is one of the strongest substances on earth. Many people talk about what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, and while science nerds have been debating it for centuries, I am here to tell you that the real answer is that Bob "The Dark Knightengale" Nightengale is both the immovable object and the unstoppable force. Whereas many reporters focus on the unimportant things, Bob-O focuses on getting it wrong so that we he can get it right. A man so immune to clowning that he actually prefers toying with us mere twitter morons from his castle on top of a mountain. He is the puppet master and baseball is the puppets. He is the only one with the power to save us with his reverse jinx, and I would like to shine a light in the sky to signal to our fearsome ally that the sport needs help. Please help us Dark Knightengale, you're our only hope.

Cubs Salvage My Sanity, Drop 2 of 3 to White Sox

I missed the Cards vs. Cubs recap. They won 3 of 5 against the Corona-Birds, there's your recap. Onto this weekends action. It's a well known fact the White Sox lineup is absolutely loaded with young and exciting talent, they have a really nice balance of good veteran bats and electric young talent up and down their lineup. That's what made this weekends crosstown series so interesting, the Chicago Cubs, while being the team that has underachieved the past couple of seasons, have successful executed a full on blow it up rebuild that resulted in them winning a World Series, get to take on the Chicago White Sox, who are entering year one of expecting to be competitive after a full tear it down rebuild. Obviously the storyline of sharing the city and who is king of the city and blah blah blah make this fun and intriguing. This is the first time since 2008 that both of these teams are legitimately competitive and that's what makes this so fun. Enough babbling, lets get into what happened.

GAME ONE - White Sox-10, Cubs-1

The Cubs had big dick Jon Lester starting for them and he started like the 58 year old accountant with the smallest package gym locker room instead. This was actually a pretty bad match up for Lester from the jump. It was a perfect storm of ugly for Jon as he tried to take on a Sox lineup that absolutely MASHES left handed pitching and he had a bad night hitting his spots (leaving a 90 MPH cutter over the heart of the plate to Luis fucking Robert is probably not going to work out), this resulting in him giving up 8 earned runs in just 3 2/3 innings of work, thats not great. This was really a beatdown from the jump as the Cubs never got into it with an offense that is sputtering as a whole, but especially against left handing pitching as they could get nothing going all night against Dallas Keuchel. They got their asses whooped by a good team, shit happens.

GAME TWO - White Sox-7, Cubs-4

This was a good matchup for the Cubs. They trotted out the calm and cool Kyle Hendricks and he was a professional as usual. He made a mistake and gave up a bomb to Luis Robert, gave up a few more weak knocks before the modern day Babe fucking Ruth, Jose Abreu, hit a his 3rd of 800 home runs for the weekend. and the Cubs could not get anything going offensively....... again. It actually felt like it couldn't get more infuriating but it someone did (more on that during the Sunday game). But not to bore you with the details but the bullpen shit the bed and the offense had a bunch of fake rallies and the Cubs lost 7-4. 

GAME THREE - Cubs-2, White Sox-1

This felt better. The Cubs had that bad bad man Yu Darvish on the bump to face the RED HOT White Sox and he was spectacular again. Yu went 7 Innings, gave up one run on a mistake pitch the the white hot Jose Abreu, but other than that was just about untouchable as he struck out 10 and gave up only 1 walk. As for how good Yu was, the offense was equally that bad. Now, before any Sox fans that read this chastise me, Dylan Cease has awesome stuff, and he's going to be an awesome pitcher, but he was all over the place. Fastballs down the gut, sliders hanging, he struggles with his location at times. And the fact the Cubs could only manage to squeak 2 runs out of this game was pathetic. They were able to get runners on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out in the 4th and load the bases with 0 (zero) outs in the 5th and scored exactly 0 runs both times. That's actually fucking embarrassing. It's like they just get up there with the bases loaded and just wanna fuck around and play tummy sticks. I mean holy fuck, I can only handle so much. Thankfully Kyle Schwarber saved the day with a 2 run shot before Craig Kimbrel and Jeremy Jeffress made us shit our pants for 2 innings.

The Cubs head to Detroit team that I know has some fun young arms, so naturally the Cubs probably won't be able to touch them. First pitch is 6:10 pm CST tomorrow night.

My Old Nemesis Curt Schilling Is In Deep Shit

 

My old nemesis Curt Schilling has recently been linked in connection with Steve Bannon's Build The Wall Group that got him arrested. I'm not a lawyer, I'm not a judge, I'm at best a common criminal with a penchant for petty theft. None of this super intense federal shit, so I'm not going to pretend like I understand any of it. 

I have a code, I only steal and nick stuff from big corporations and only when I'm especially bored or needing attention, but my old nemesis Curt Schilling is fucked. That stupid chudsky fucked up the second he made an eternal enemy out of me. Folks, Curt Schillings bloody sock is only the 3rd biggest fraud he's committed, along with bankrupting the literal state of Rhode Island and what appears to be federal fraud. I don't know, I'm not going to read the case or figure it out in any stretch of the imagination, but I will be vehemently rooting for Curt Schilling to end up in prison with a die hard Yankees fan that lost millions of dollars on the 2004 ALCS

This was tweeted about 2 weeks before Curt was fired from ESPN for being a racist douchebag. Many people have called me the puppet master. The man pulling the strings at ESPN, one of the most powerful influencers in sports media, and others have called me an Azz Clown (Sp). To me, I'm not a puppet master. I'm the hero twitter needs, but doesnt deserve. I'm the Dark Knight of Twitter, and Curt Schilling is my Joker. And like the Joker, I expect Curt to die of an overdose within 4 years. Fuck Curt Schilling and fuck his stupid face, I win. 

The Absolutely Heinous "Unwritten" Rules of Baseball

    

    All of the rules of the game of baseball are written already, in fact you can review them all in a 188 page PDF right here. However, the rest that is unwritten is not a bunch of bangers like Natasha Bedingfield's first studio album. If you have the time and the will power to sift through this monster of a rule book, you'll find the following "rules" not included:

No bunting to break up a no hitter.

No admiring or "pimping" home runs.

Do not steal bases if your team is up by 5+ runs

Pitchers do not call their fielders out for making errors

Do not swing on 3-0 if your team is up by a large margin.

    There are a few others that we are missing, but many of the unwritten rules have nothing to do with the actual game play, and more with common courtesy between batters/pitchers/innings etc. And I'll be honest, those unwritten rules I can deal with. 

    Yeah, you shouldn't stand in the batter's box while the pitcher is warming up. We in the biz just call that a "dick move" though. Also yes, when you're hit by a pitch, don't rub it. But that's more of an alpha move than an unwritten rule. There are some unwritten baseball rules that do make sense, but the ones that do are mostly just basic etiquette of the game.

    HOWEVER, I did not forgot about the literal shit list that I mentioned earlier. Obviously because that's what we're  here to  talk about. As a former college baseball player, and a player who both pitched and played the field, I am here to offer my opinion on why the "unwritten rules" of baseball are not only bullshit, but contradictory to the spirit and the fun behind actually  playing baseball. 

    So firstly let's address bunting during a no-hitter. I'll say this one is the most flawed from the start because it comes with so many caveats. Obviously if you're the leadoff hitter in a game, there's no hits on the board yet. But it's okay to bunt your way on base safely in the top of the first right? Then why is it such an issue with 1 out in the 7th when your team is trying to win the game the same way they were in the 1st inning? It doesn't make sense to me and the line where it is acceptable is different to every crotchety old man out there, so why are we making a big deal out of it? 

    The game that immediately comes to my mind when thinking about this rule is the no-hitter that the late Doc Halladay threw against the Reds in 2010. If we remember, Brandon Phillips tried to bunt his way on with 2 outs in the 9th inning, and the old men of baseball went into a frenzy. However none of this mattered because Carlos Ruiz was still able to throw him out in time to seal the no-no. 

    Unlike traditionalist baseball though, I'm cool with the bunt attempt with 2 outs in the 9th inning. I think the idiotic part of that was that he bunted with 2 strikes, but that's why he's paid millions of dollars a year to play baseball and I sit behind my keyboard and  write about it. It's not just this situation though, if it were a regular season game, a straight up  shutout, or a perfect game, I think baseball players should be doing everything they can to get on base. If the pitcher or catcher can't field a bunt, that is on them.

    Same thing goes for stealing when a team is up by a ton. If the pitcher is lazy to the plate and the catcher has a shit pop-time, then that is on them if a runner decides to take a base. Bases come at a huge premium in the MLB and I can tell you right now every speedster out there is looking to pass old Rickey (not that it will ever happen). 

    The only one on here that I semi-agree  with is the fact that pitchers shouldn't call out their fielders for making errors. The shortstop in me says that's right because the one pitcher who ever tried to call me out for making an error took a 102 exit velocity line drive off the jaw the very next pitch, so I don't want to fuck with baseball karma like that. On the other hand, people like Andrelton Simmons and Francisco Lindor are paid stupid amounts of money to do one thing and one thing only on a baseball field: play fucking defense. So if your guys aren't backing you up inning after inning, game after game, I'm totally on a pitcher's side if they want to collectively call out their infield. 

    Now this brings us to the two remaining unwritten rules: pimping home runs and swinging on a 3-0 count when your team is killing the opponent. We've seen one of these be the subject of a good amount of bench-clearing brawls in recent years; and the former is, of course, the subject of discussion surrounding Fernando "Future Face of Baseball" Tatis Jr., and the softer-than-baby-shit Texas Rangers.

    I'll address these one at a time because I feel like they are separate issues. So firstly let's talk about pimping home runs. I'm sorry, I may have missed something in the 18+ years I was playing the sport; but last  time I checked, baseball is a GAME. Also last I checked, games are  meant to be FUN. I could not give a smaller fuck about a pitcher whose feelings got hurt because someone celebrated hitting a 500ft tank shot off of them. 

    Baseball is meant to be fun, it is a game played for the entertainment of others and the fulfillment of those skilled enough to do so. I am a lowly technology consultant and you bet your ass I celebrate if I make a big sale and beat out a competitor. Why should it be different, do we really expect a bunch of the most elite athletes in the world, who are mostly between 22-30 years old, to not get excited when they excel at their job?! And nonetheless, a job that is also, in case I haven't mentioned it yet, a GAME. So next time your grandpa wants to complain about Bryce or Bregman standing in the box too long or flipping the absolute life out of their bat after dick slapping a 500ft bomb, tell grandpa he's the killer of joy and needs to lighten the fuck up. Also tell Papelbon to get good.

    So that brings us to  the issue of Fernando Tatis and the Texas Rangers. I think there's two very simple resolutions to this argument, and both have been mentioned before. The first is that this is a goddamn game. If Ian Gibaut is so embarrassed after giving up a granny down 10-3, I feel no sympathy. The fact of the matter is he and his team allowed  the bases to be loaded. He then threw 3 straight pitches outside the strike zone. Which side note, is really fucking hard to do, especially as a guy whose job it is to come in, throw strikes, and get the game over with. Then, with the bases loaded, down 3-0 in the count and 10-3 overall in the game, Gibaut throws a knee-high 92 MPH baby cutter that looked like a high school pitch minus the velocity. Of course Tatis spanked that fucker like a red headed step child.

    My last issue with this is the Ranger's base coach calling out Tatis for it. Chris Woodward had no issues being on the other side of the same situations. He celebrated with Corey Seager a couple years ago in almost the exact same scenario. All of this to get an apology from Tatis. AN APOLOGY? Imagine being so good at your job, that you end up having to apologize to the team your just embarrassed because they couldn't deal with their own inferiority. 

    Absolutely pitiful showing by the Rangers. To not only get  beat 14-3, but to then bitch and moan about the best young player in the game putting your team on blast, that's a new low. Texas Rangers, get fucking good.

    The unwritten rules of baseball remain unwritten for one reason: they are bullshit. They are some arbitrary way for old men to measure a baseball player's acumen of the game, and they are a crutch for purist to lean on when they don't like how fucking cool of a game baseball is becoming.

The only unwritten rule that should remain is:

DO NOT EVER TALK ABOUT A NO HITTER.

    That's my two cents, let me know what you think in the comments. Any grievances or Rangers-esque bitching can be directed to: harrisonhilman78@gmail.com

Bless,

Theo Mills