Lions Rebuild

 After my incredible and ground breaking vision in rebuilding the Chicago Bears yesterday, The NFL's reigning GILFOY (Grandmother I'd Like to own my Football team Of the Year) Martha Firestone Ford has also hired me to rebuild the hapless Detroit Lions as a passion project. So here we go folks, I don't even need to fire anyone because Martha already did that.

1. Time to Move on from Matthew Stafford.

    As much as it sucks to move on from the best Quarterback the Lions have had since Bobby Layne, it's probably time for a clean break from all sides. Stafford will be 33 by the start of next season, and with 2 years and $59 Million in cap hit over the next two years, this is probably the last chance to move on from him and recoup anything close to adequate value. Sure, the Lions would only open up $14,000,000 in cap space and would have to eat $19,000,000 in dead cap, but that's definitely better than committing $33,000,000 to a team that's about to begin a rebuild. Stafford is past his prime, and would likely end up being cut after this upcoming year anyway, barring a significant restructuring. I think it's time for both sides to move on. No Detroit fan could possibly be upset with Stafford going to a legitimate contender before his career and body continue to deteriorate before our eyes, and I believe with the upcoming QB Changes, it shouldn't be that unrealistic to expect a late first round pick or an early second round pick for the former pro bowl QB. 

The Patriots, Saints, Steelers, 49ers, Colts, and Buccaneers all have significant question marks at the QB position going forward, an elite roster surrounding them, and none of those franchises are going to be in a position to select a QB towards the top of the draft this year. I don't think any teams would relinquish a first round pick this year for an aging QB, but considering his contract will likely be a bargain once the Lions eat the dead cap, I don't think a second and a third rounder split between this year and next year is that unrealistic. For the sake of the rebuild, let's trade him to the Colts this year for Jacob Eason, a third round pick this year, and a second round pick next year. This removes a massive cap hit, gives the Lions a decent but unspectacular QB with decent potential to fill in as a stop gap, and helps start to rebuild their draft capital. 

2. Try and trade Jamie Collins, Desmond Trufant, Danny Shelton, and Justin Coleman.

    None of the 4 are bad players, in fact, all have played pretty decently this year. But at the same time, all 4 were given relatively bigger contracts than market value indicates from Patricia and Quinn in order to try and save their jobs. None of the contracts are remotely cuttable Pre-June 1st designation, so the best bet in order to save some more cap space is to find a trade partner for a couple of the aging veterans to give more playing time to younger players. Jamie Collins should be relatively movable since the Lions would have to eat a chunk of dead cap to move him, but would still open up some more space and would probably net a 5th or 6th round pick. 

Coleman and Trufant are moveable as well, but Coleman is a bit of a longer term deal which could be a bit of an issue. Trufant is also going to carry a $10,000,000 cap hit to whichever team trades for him, but with it being the last year of his deal, it shouldn't be too hard at all for a contender to extend Trufant out a little bit without sacrificing too much flexibility. Let's say between Shelton, Trufant, and Coleman, the Lions pick up another 4th or 5th round pick and save an extra $15-20,000,000 in cap space. 

Sure, we'd have to eat between $10-15,000,000 in dead cap, but we're an abysmally constructed roster right now, so we'll use our inability to contend next year as an asset to eat dead cap and possibly accrue more assets to continue to open up our books next year. But none of these players are really cuttable, so if we can't unload them, they're sticking around one more year.

3. Marvin Jones, Everson Griffin, Kenny Golladay, and Duron Harmon are free agents: Let them walk.

    As unappealing as it is losing a talent like Kenny Golladay, the former 3rd round pick is due a big contract coming up soon, and with his inability to stay healthy this year, I'd rather let him walk and try and accumulate compensatory picks the following year rather than try and trade him on a franchise tag. The difference between the Bears and Lions predicaments with their WRs are pretty similar, but Allen Robinson is quite a bit better than Golladay and I think it would be easier to find a team willing to sacrifice a valuable draft asset AND give him an extension. Golladay has a few more question marks surrounding him, and is probably a better bet of obtaining value in the compensatory route. 

Marvin Jones and Duron Harmon will both probably get contracts from other teams and Griffin is a dark horse possibility as well. As long as the Lions avoid big money free agents (We will), and instead focus on bargain bin signings of veterans who were cut, we should be able to accumulate somewhere in the ball park of a 3rd and 5th rounder next year, or potentially two 4ths.

 Now that compensatory draft picks are tradeable, it gives us more bullets in the holster to revamp this roster and clear up cap space for when we have the ability to make more moves. It'll suck a bit, but I'd expect Golladay to get a 4-5 year deal in the ballpark of $16-$18,000,000 a year, or a 2-3 year deal worth $22-$24,000,000 a year. Either way, the guarantees will be hefty, and since we're moving on from the Quarterback position, I see no reason to throw hefty guarantees towards a luxury item that will be drastically underutilized comparatively. 

4. Test the market for Kerryon Johnson. 

    Injury prone and a year away from his deal expiring, now would be a good chance to unload him on the cheap to a contender trying to add weapons for another run at a Super Bowl. I think there's a good chance the Lions could get a conditional 5th or 6th rounder depending on his health and how many games he plays, and with Deandre Swift as the new bellcow, I don't want to spend any money extending an injury prone Kerryon Johnson. He could be a good fit to replace Mark Ingram as a bulkier change of pace back with JK Dobbins in Baltimore, or a replacement for the wildly inept Leonard Fournette in Tampa Bay. I think either team would gladly part with a 7th rounder next year that becomes a 6th if Kerryon can play 10-12 games. 

5. Free Agency Of The Bargain Bin Variety:

    We're not going after any big ticket items this free agency after the massive contracts given out by the last regime to save their jobs. We're going to play the long term game and sign very cheap contracts from veterans that were cap casualties. I'd target aging veterans to shore up the depth and provide quality veteran leadership on a team trying to rebuild a culture as well as former highly drafted prospects that didn't pan out. We're going to try and find a couple diamonds in the rough from talented players that were in poor situations and were underutilized or misutilized in their last stop. 

There are plenty of bargain bin success stories, like Shaq Barrett, Jamie Collins, Ndamukong Suh and Robert Quinn who all took extremely team-friendly, short term deals and helped make their organizations significantly better. Players that may become cap casualties, and would in turn, allow them to be signed at a lower number than usual without sacrificing compensatory capital: Brandon Graham, Kareem Jackson, Malik Jackson, Kevin Zeitler, Kawann Short, AJ Bouye, Brandon Williams, and Riley Reiff. None of those players are outstanding, but they're all very solid and getting a couple of them on team friendly deals could help establish a veteran presence for a team that'll have quite a few rookies contributing.

6. Draft: We'll see?

    The Lions are in an incredibly tenuous situation in terms of where they're picking in the upcoming draft. At 4-7, the Lions currently sit in 9th in the draft order, and there's almost no shot of picking in the top 2. So they can pick anywhere from 3rd-16th in my opinion. Based on the remaining schedule, there's a good chance that if the Lions lose on Sunday, they'll lose out. 4-12 should be enough to pick 4th or 5th, while 5-11 could drop them down to the 6-8 range.

 If the Lions have the 4th pick, they should be in position to get one of Justin Fields, Trey Lance, or Zach Wilson if Cincinnati remains ahead of them. It would also put the Lions in great position to trade down and accumulate blue chip draft chips now and in the future, before being able to survey the landscape and figure out where they're going at the QB position. 

I wouldn't hate taking a top QB prospect now, but I'd much rather try and get a  bookend corner to play with Jeffrey Okudah. Patrick Surtain looks like an absolute stud and Caleb Farley looks great too. If the Lions win a game or two and aren't in the QB sweepstakes, it wouldn't be the worst thing to grab a defensive lineman/edge rusher, and spend rounds 2 and 3 trying to add young pass catchers to develop for the next franchise quarterback we acquire. Let's just say we get a pass rusher, another solid young corner, and a high upside WR. I'll call that a win. Trade Downs are always a good strategy, but with such a question mark at the Quarterback position, we have to wait and see what we're left with.

7. If we do Trade Down.... Prioritize next year.

    In the case of a trade down in rounds one or two, we're going to put a slightly higher emphasis on getting some draft capital next year. Maybe we've already picked up a pick or two in trades, so after comp picks are tabulated, we should be going in with 11-12 draft selections without trades. So it could be a really good chance to sacrifice a little bit of value now for a lot more next year. That way if we're a quarterback away, we can push some chips in to make sure we acquire our guy.

 And if Sam Howell, Spencer Rattler, JT Daniels and Mac Jones aren't our kinda guys, we can roll it over one more year and wait for that draft class. We just can't reach on a guy and set ourselves back even further. At the very least, we'll have a mediocre but average QB and a very strong roster. 

8. Coaching Hires?

    I'm going a little off track, but I'm a big fan of Brian Daboll, especially since we're moving on from Stafford as our long term answer. He was instrumental in the early Patriots dynasty as a wide receivers coach, was the Jets QB Coach for Mark Sanchez's best two years and their AFC Championship game appearances, he was Nick Saban's OC and was the man who pushed for Tua to play, and then he's worked wonders with Josh Allen in Buffalo. Sign me up for Daboll. 

This Absolute Legend Is Back On His Bullshit:

 

    Take a good long look at the picture. This man is our new overlord, and a champion of reasonable men everywhere. This absolute legend's name is Elliot Shorr-Parks and folks, I guess we should start calling him Elliot Whore-Barks, because he's got women barking in pleasure after he lays down that A1 hog game on them. This is the face of a man that would cuck you with your girlfriend, and there's nothing you can do about it. But that's besides the point, yesterday ESP tweeted that: 

 "I could maybe score a touchdown. I could luck into a home run. I could probably get two points in an NBA game. I could play hundreds of games of hockey and never, ever score a goal. It looks impossible."

    This is the time of things I would say in the middle of a Bipolar break from reality. In between feverishly researching the clearcut links between the small business owner that declined my month expired coupon for $1 off a sandwich and Jeffrey Epstein, and forgetting that my toilet is clogged before shitting in it, I would also probably say a similar thing as ESP. 

There seems to be a running trend of people thinking they're more athletic and more talented than they are. The average person could maybe, and I say MAYBE get a base hit off of a major league pitcher. Over 162 games and an average of 4 at bats a game, I think that enough people could time it up well enough by game 90-95 to throw their bat across the strike zone to put a tiny little single over the 2nd baseman. But no one, especially not the Notorious ESP could actually expect to put enough of a whack on a journeyman relievers slider to hit it 350 feet over the fence. There's no chance of the home run, but I respect the effort.

Next, I don't believe he could score a touchdown either. ESP probably thinks that he could punch in a 1 yard touchdown out of a goal line set, because he'd never get off the line against any NFL Corner. Regardless, I think that he'd probably get mashed into a pile of dust by a blitzing Khalil Mack, and he'd be out of the game with a broken neck pretty soon. People forget how strong NFL players are, and even from the one, this little slut isn't reaching pay dirt.

Lastly we have the NBA. ESP thinks he can get a bucket, and I don't hate the optimism. 82 games, all he has to do is be left open enough once for the ball to go through the basket. But so much of the NBA is about getting open, and even the laziest of defenders are going to be locking up ESP. You can almost guarantee that he's not getting the ball, so if you lock him down, you get to spend less energy on defense. Even if he did get the ball, the shot is getting blocked before it even releases out of his hand. No chance our 5'7 manlet is getting the ball over Brandon Clarke's outstretched arms, much less Giannis or Anthony Davis coming to close out. I guess if you gave him 10 open 3's a game, he may make 1 or 2 in a season.

I would actually say the NHL is the easiest to score a goal in, because if he gets knocked unconscious, it's easier for his NHL teammates to bank in an empty netter off of the size of this lads forehead. Corralling it against the boards? Nah, throw it off this asshole's landing strip of a forehead and call it a day.

Sorry Elliot, you may be the big swinging dick of beat writing twitter, you may be up to your neck in hot snatch, and you may be cucking me, but you will NEVER be an athletic success in any major sports league. You dumb bitch.

Is The 2015 High School Quarterback Class The Best Ever?

 1997 was a special year. Charles Woodson beat out Peyton Manning and Randy Moss for the Heisman, Biggie Smalls released Life After Death, Mike Tyson helped himself to a little earlobe mid fight against Evander Holyfield, and James Cameron released Titanic. But speaking of a sinking ship, Jake Paul was also born. But most importantly, determined parents everywhere saw the athletic feats perpetrated by such icons named Brett Favre, Jeff Hostetler, Gus Frerrotte, and Danny Kanell play quarterback at a level that none had ever seen and made a decision: to birth and raise possibly the greatest quarterback class of all time. 

Fast Forward 18 years and right out of the gate we have #1 QB and 5 star Josh Rosen. Rosen was a first round NFL Draft Choice, and it really doesn't matter what happens next because the check cleared. He still got drafted because of his big swinging cojones, and now he's set bouncing around teams as a backup quarterback for the next 7 years. Racking checks, having sex, and being pretty cool too. This is a win.

The second ranked quarterback from that class was Blake Barnett, and before you say who????, let me remind you that this is National Championship Winner, Blake Barnett. 

That's right, the original BB-8 was more like a BB-Great as he won a national championship with Alabama as a true freshman, before transferring to Arizona State and Southern Florida to major in smoking grass and grabbing ass. A true legend got a ring to seal his legacy, and decided to ride off into the sunset chasing Co-Eds at two party schools before taking his talents outside of football. A legend.

The third quarterback? That's right, Kyler Murray. A Heisman Trophy winning quarterback who also was a first round pick in baseball, before becoming the #1 overall selection in the NFL and winning Rookie of the Year in the NFL is one of footballs great young quarterbacks. Not only is he immensely talented, he's also a role model to men everywhere by proving to them that being 5'10 isn't the reason they weren't talented enough to play professional sports. All hail the short man's Jackie Robinson. 

Next we've got Jarrett Stidham. Stidham started his career at Baylor and then in what can only be described as an unavoidable series of sexual assaults perpetrated by the Baylor football team while being covered up by the Baylor coaching staff, Stidham transferred to Auburn. While at Auburn he beat #1 Georgia and #1 Alabama in back to back games before losing in the SEC Championship and the Peach Bowl to end the season. The loss in the Peach Bowl to UCF allowed those chickenshit losers to claim a national title, making Jarrett Stidham responsible for G5 teams thinking they can beat Bama. Good players win, Great players inspire others. Kudos to you Stidham. 

After we skip over Brandon Wimbush, Deondre Francois, Brady White, Jake Browning, and Ricky Town we get to Big Cock Drew Lock. Drew Lock threw for 12,000 yards while being a 2 time All SEC quarterback, and also not being an overwhelming loser for the Denver Broncos after they selected him in the 2nd round of the NFL Draft. He's big, tall, white, and has a cannon for an arm, which is just how John Elway likes it. I'm just glad Elway decided that being good at football was a requisite this time around. 

Sam Darnold was the 12th QB in 2015, before becoming a top 3 pick in the NFL, and since then the returns have been ok. Darnold has been above average for the Jets, but most importantly he had to miss football because he was too busy playing tonsil hockey with chicks to remember not to get mono. He also played a pivotal role in creating one of America's greatest graphic designs: 

What a champ. Sure, he didn't put together the graphic, but people don't think any less of JFK for not filming the Zapruder film. Sometimes you just need to be in the right place at the right time.

Next we have a couple more Heisman Trophy winners in Joe Burrow and Lamar Jackson. Especially cool that the Tennessee Volunteers took THREE QB's ranked ahead of Joe Burrow and Lamar Jackson in the same class. The future division rivals are both good at sports and absurdly cool.

Before Gardner Minshew was a starting quarterback in the NFL, he was an overlooked and underrated quarterback committed to Troy. He also wears Jorts and that's pretty cool too. Daniel Jones was also in this class, but I'd like to reserve a little more judgement before I pronounce him as "good". 

So all in all, we have 3 Heisman Trophy Winners, 6 First Round picks, 2 other NFL starting QBs and 4 players that switched positions by the time they got to the NFL. All in all, I think that's pretty good. 

Kirk Ferentz Makes Sweeping Changes, Ends Racism

   

Iowa Head Football Coach Kirk Ferentz is back in the news again, this time because of all of the steps he's taken to end racism at Iowa.

    Ferentz was last seen at a news conference in which he dedicated himself to ending to racial disparity at Iowa, and treating every player, regardless of race, like absolute shit. Ferentz announced the move by saying that he was committing to humiliating more players at Iowa, and publicly condemned former strength coach Chris Doyle. 

    "Chris Doyle doesn't represent our views in our program. I would never condone racism from my coaches, and by treating black players so poorly, he allowed numerous white players to get away from workouts without suffering extreme degradation" Ferentz announced Monday morning. 

    Along with the strong statement condemning Doyle's actions, Ferentz also heaped praise on Offensive Line Coach Tim Polasek for his conduct within the program:

    "When we hired Coach Polasek from North Dakota State, we knew what we were getting. A strong, principled man that treats everyone equally. No matter what skin color they are, Coach Polasek has committed himself to equal treatment" 

   

    "While we have had an abysmally bad rushing attack that has caused many outside the program to wonder why I continue to employ him, they just don't understand his character. I'll never forget the first year at camp when Tim made all of the freshmen linemen stand in front of the meeting room together so he could give them all Tampax before individually humiliating them all for various reasons. He let each player know how worthless he was to the program, and only saw student athletes ready to be humiliated publicly, not the color of their skin". 

    Ferentz would later commend Polasek for how he was able to mistreat so many players equally into transferring, while also helping lead a rushing attack that also finished 97th nationally in total rushing. To back up that it's not just talk, Ferentz had each of his assistant coaches text all players in their position groupings about how little they meant to them as people, and in a show of unity, insulted quarterback Spencer Petras's mother in front of Petras at the press conference, before berating his young QB with homophobic slurs, to show just how committed he is to equality. 

    Unavailable for comment was Ferentz's son and Iowa Offensive Coordinator Brian Ferentz. Brian Ferentz was reportedly busy with a prior commitment, forcing scholarship players buried on the depth chart to clean the locker room with a toothbrush to convince them to transfer before making them eat until they puked, followed by another thorough cleaning of the locker room in order to convince them to transfer. 

    "I'm immensely proud of my son, as he was able to lead us to the Outback Bowl with at least 3 NFL First Round picks offensively, and he was also able to find an equal amount of black and white players to humiliate into leaving today. I could not be more excited for him to take over the program when I leave" 

Ferentz said about his heir apparent, before announcing a home and home football series with his close friend Mike Gundy and Oklahoma State in the years 2029 and 2030.