Hilly Builds: Texans

 

    Welcome to Hilly Builds, where we're rebuilding every bad team in the NFL. Then maybe we'll work on the good teams, but we'll see how I'm feeling. Thanks to the great TrillWithers for letting me use the homage to him as the name, so lets get started:

The Houston Texans are an absolute dumpster fire. They're 4-7, they're already 13 million over the cap going into next season, and they don't own their own first or second round picks thanks to the Laramie Tunsil trade and the Brandin Cooks trade. We're taking over a really, really tough situation, but there's one thing we do have that no one else in the division has, and something that all but maybe 2 or 3 other teams would kill for: Deshaun Watson. 

As long as we have Deshaun, we have hope. Unfortunately, we do have to consider that his contract is going to kick in soon, so we can't just load up on high priced veterans and hope for the best. Make no doubt about it, we're keeping Deshaun Watson. I'll resign before I ship him out of town, but the contract is an unavoidable (and incredibly well deserved) hurdle that we'll have to face as we rebuild this team.

1. Figure out the JJ Watt Dilemma.

    JJ Watt was once on track to be one of the greatest defensive players in NFL History. He won 3 defensive player of the year awards by the time he was 26 years old. He led the league in sacks twice, tackles for loss three times, and provided quite a bit of versatility by batting down passes at the line of scrimmage, having 49 pass deflections over a 4 year stretch. He was positionally versatile, which allowed the Texans to out scheme opponents frequently. By all accounts, he was one of the best ever already. Unfortunately that's when the injury bug hit.

    After not missing a game in his first 5 seasons, Watt has missed 32 games over the last 4 seasons. The wear and tear of playing at such a physical position at an incredibly elite level has started to take its toll on our iconic superstar. When healthy, he's a fantastic veteran presence and still a high level football player from time to time. But Watt is also worth $32,000,000 over the next 2 years and that's way too much to be paying a 31 year old player with an extensive injury history and declining production when healthy. 

    We're going to lay out the options so JJ can choose his own decision. We're either going to have to restructure to significantly lower the cap hit over the next two years, and if he decides he doesn't want to spend his remaining years on a bad team, we'll have no problem trading him and his easily cutable contract for whatever value we can get. There's a really good chance we have to outright cut him, but there's no more guarantees on his deal so we can move on scotfree, and I also think a team that has the ability and depth to deploy him less to keep him healthier like the Ravens or Steelers might trade a 5th or 6th round pick. In fact, I'm sure JJ would welcome an opportunity to go to the Steelers and play with his brother TJ. So we take care of one of our all time greats, clear the cap space, get a little bit of draft capital and keep that connection with JJ for when his career is over and I hire him to just hangout around the facility. 

2. Get As Many Cheap Assets As Possible.

    This one is pretty simple. We're going to have a quarterback on a massive deal soon, and one that we want to build a winner around. So for increased flexibility going forward, we're going to have to get rid of some of the luxury items on this roster for mid and late round picks. Outside of Watson, there's really not anyone on this roster they could even think about getting a first round pick for. Brandin Cooks, Bernadrick McKinney, Duke Johnson, and David Johnson are all pretty solid to good football players that could be worth a lot more to a team that's one or two pieces away from getting over the hump.

    They also carry a combined $31,000,000 cap hit, while only having $3,700,000 in dead cap. So if we can't trade them, we can absolutely cut them without much worry. Cooks has been traded for first rounders a couple times, and was just traded for a 2nd rounder. So I think going into the last year of his deal, a 3rd round pick is probably fair value for a 27 year old receiver on the verge of the 5th 1,000 yard season of his career. Between the other 3, I think we could squeeze a 6th rounder out of a team this year, and perhaps a conditional 6th or 7th round pick next year. It's not great value, but holding onto those contracts is going to put us in worse position to build around Watson long term, so it's crucial that we clear the deck.

    After trading/cutting Watt, McKinney, Cooks, and the Johnson boys, We clear up approximately $48,500,000 in cap space, and add an extra 3rd, 5th, and 6th round pick this year. That gives us 10 draft choices in the 3rd-7th rounds, but none in the first 2. This is an issue, big time. 

3. Gut the roster quickly.  

    This roster is in really bad shape. The Texans will only make 2 first-round picks between 2017-2021 after trading 2 of them to select Deshaun Watson, and trading 2 of them for Laramie Tunsil. The other selection, OT Tytus Howard, has shown some promise, but hasn't really taken the next step yet. There was a game earlier this year where not a single rookie played a snap, which shows how bad last years draft class was, and how little young talent we have under contract. So this is going to be a full on tear down. 

If we can get anything for Whitney Mercilus, we will. He's an aging edge rusher on a bad contract, so if we can eat enough dead money, we might be able to get a little bit of value for him. I'm not sure how likely that will be, but if we don't find a trade partner, we'll probably have to just bite the bullet on him and keep him. Bradley Roby might be able to net us a late round pick going into the last year of his deal, but considering he's an average corner at an above average cap hit, we're probably going to have to cut him to open another $8,500,000. Now we've got about $57-60,000,000 in cap space, a franchise quarterback, a good, but expensive left tackle, and not a whole lot of anything else. There aren't going to be any reliable weapons on this roster so we've got to give Watson something to work with. We're letting Will Fuller leave, because I've got another idea. 

4. Free Agency: Take a lot of cheap gambles... Except one. 

    Free Agency is where we're going to be making a lot of moves. With no blue chip draft capital available, we've got to figure out a way to field this roster in a way that will, at the very least, protect Deshaun Watson for our rebuild. There's one player I'm prepared to give a large, long term contract to, and that's Bears WR Allen Robinson. Robinson has put up gaudy pro bowl numbers during his career with passers like Blake Bortles, Mitch Trubisky, and Nick Foles getting him the ball. In college, he had Matt McGloin and Christian Hackenberg. There are some injury concerns there, but not nearly as many as Will Fuller or Kenny Golladay and I believe that Robinson is a top 5 wide receiver that's been in terrible situations for most of his career. 

At just 27 years old, Robinson is likely just reaching his performative peak, and we want to give Deshaun Watson a go to receiver that he can throw the ball up to. We're giving Robinson a 5 year deal worth $100 Million, but we'll structure the contract so that way it's really only a 4-year deal worth $85,000,000. Robinson gets a massive contract that shows his value among NFL Receivers even though we both know he's getting cut or restructured before that final year, and we get a big time, game breaking receiver at market value. If we have to get into a bidding war for Robinson, so be it. But he's going to be a Texan when it's all said and done. 

    After we get Robinson signed, now we're going to shift our focus to signing a bunch of team friendly deals with aging veterans, young players who fizzled out in their first stops, and athletic diamonds in the rough that we can potentially uncover from small schools and practice squads. 

    Players like Solomon Thomas, Corey Davis, John Ross, Hassan Reddick, Jarrad Davis, Charles Harris, and Takk McKinley are all former first round picks that are likely to hit the open market this year after disappointing with their first (and in several cases second and third) team. Hopefully we're able to give some of those younger players some stability and consistent playing time in a low pressure environment, and they blossom. Some of them will continue to stink, but a couple of them could really step it up in a new environment. Ross, Reddick, Davis, Harris and McKinley were taken by the Bengals, Cardinals, Lions, Dolphins, and Falcons. All five of which have since fired the regimes that drafted those players, so I think we can find some bargains.

    Mike Iupati, Everson Griffin, Tahir Whitehead, Derek Wolfe, Xavier Rhodes, Lawrence Guy, Logan Ryan, Bruce Irvin, and Danny Amendola are all veterans over the age of 30 that are playing on contracts worth $6,000,000 or less a year. We're going to try and sign a few of these guys to some cheap, team friendly deals to help revitalize their career in the hopes of landing one more big contract. We can even structure the deals in a way that we eat most of the small cap hit this year, which would make them very tradable assets if we're still a year or two away from really getting down to business. I don't really know which of those guys will be getting mid level deals this season, but my point being, there are usually very productive veterans that are cap casualties waiting to be signed to team friendly contracts every offseason. We're going to make sure we get at least 2 veteran corners though, because we need them in the worst way.

    Lastly, in terms of the diamonds in the rough, I think we'll try and go after anyone that just put up absurd combine numbers or production from a small school. Or a player that was vastly underutilized on a bad college team with a bad coach. There are quality NFL players on practice squads right now, we're going to do our best to find and polish them. At worst, they get cut at the end of training camp with really no lost cost, but if we can find a productive NFL starter or two, we can really add to the talent pool. 

5. Draft: Focus On Undervalued Positions.

    Without a pick in the first two rounds this year, there's really no way for us to leapfrog into a spot where we can get an elite impact player at a highly valued position. So we're going to focus our earliest picks on positions where good players slip because it's not as widely valued: we're going after safeties, running backs, ILBs, and Interior DL. I think there's a really good chance that immediate impact players can be acquired in rounds 3 and 4 if you're ok with the fact they don't play a premium position, and are a little more situationally limited. Right now, we're fine with that, because we need an influx of talent all over the place, and if we can start to cobble together a good, young, cheap corps of players to surround Deshaun Watson with, it'll allow us even more versatility in our organization. We'll use our later round picks on wide receivers and corners, essentially hoping to hit a serious lottery ticket. If we don't hit, it's not really an issue. But we need to absolutely make sure that we get at least a couple guys in this draft who can develop nicely. Maybe we even trade down once or twice and get a couple extra late round picks without sacrificing salary cap space. 

6. Understand that this is step one, not the conclusion of the rebuild:

    Lastly, we need to come to terms with the fact that we're going to have to keep rebuilding this roster regardless of how our season goes. We play in one of the weaker divisions in football historically, and it wouldn't shock me in the least if we're able to go 11-5 and win the division/make the playoffs. As long as we have Deshaun Watson, that's always going to be possible. But it's also important that we understand that volatility with other teams isn't necessarily indicative of where we currently stand, and if the goal is winning a Super Bowl, we can't abandon our longterm plan by signing high priced free agents after the first good season. The goal is still surrounding Watson with cheap, cost controlled talent, so if anything, a good season will actually allow us to trade down in the upcoming drafts without the pressure of having to acquire an immediate playmaker at the top of the draft. 

    Laramie Tunsil is someone that I would consider moving after this season, but I do think there's a critical importance in keeping our franchise QB safe, so even though we're paying a premium on him, it's a bullet I'm willing to bite so long as he plays well and keeps Deshaun healthy. We just have to understand that next seasons overall results are meaningless, because soon Watsons contract will fully kick in and we'll need the versatility to continue to build the Houston Texans into a super bowl contender. 

Lions Rebuild

 After my incredible and ground breaking vision in rebuilding the Chicago Bears yesterday, The NFL's reigning GILFOY (Grandmother I'd Like to own my Football team Of the Year) Martha Firestone Ford has also hired me to rebuild the hapless Detroit Lions as a passion project. So here we go folks, I don't even need to fire anyone because Martha already did that.

1. Time to Move on from Matthew Stafford.

    As much as it sucks to move on from the best Quarterback the Lions have had since Bobby Layne, it's probably time for a clean break from all sides. Stafford will be 33 by the start of next season, and with 2 years and $59 Million in cap hit over the next two years, this is probably the last chance to move on from him and recoup anything close to adequate value. Sure, the Lions would only open up $14,000,000 in cap space and would have to eat $19,000,000 in dead cap, but that's definitely better than committing $33,000,000 to a team that's about to begin a rebuild. Stafford is past his prime, and would likely end up being cut after this upcoming year anyway, barring a significant restructuring. I think it's time for both sides to move on. No Detroit fan could possibly be upset with Stafford going to a legitimate contender before his career and body continue to deteriorate before our eyes, and I believe with the upcoming QB Changes, it shouldn't be that unrealistic to expect a late first round pick or an early second round pick for the former pro bowl QB. 

The Patriots, Saints, Steelers, 49ers, Colts, and Buccaneers all have significant question marks at the QB position going forward, an elite roster surrounding them, and none of those franchises are going to be in a position to select a QB towards the top of the draft this year. I don't think any teams would relinquish a first round pick this year for an aging QB, but considering his contract will likely be a bargain once the Lions eat the dead cap, I don't think a second and a third rounder split between this year and next year is that unrealistic. For the sake of the rebuild, let's trade him to the Colts this year for Jacob Eason, a third round pick this year, and a second round pick next year. This removes a massive cap hit, gives the Lions a decent but unspectacular QB with decent potential to fill in as a stop gap, and helps start to rebuild their draft capital. 

2. Try and trade Jamie Collins, Desmond Trufant, Danny Shelton, and Justin Coleman.

    None of the 4 are bad players, in fact, all have played pretty decently this year. But at the same time, all 4 were given relatively bigger contracts than market value indicates from Patricia and Quinn in order to try and save their jobs. None of the contracts are remotely cuttable Pre-June 1st designation, so the best bet in order to save some more cap space is to find a trade partner for a couple of the aging veterans to give more playing time to younger players. Jamie Collins should be relatively movable since the Lions would have to eat a chunk of dead cap to move him, but would still open up some more space and would probably net a 5th or 6th round pick. 

Coleman and Trufant are moveable as well, but Coleman is a bit of a longer term deal which could be a bit of an issue. Trufant is also going to carry a $10,000,000 cap hit to whichever team trades for him, but with it being the last year of his deal, it shouldn't be too hard at all for a contender to extend Trufant out a little bit without sacrificing too much flexibility. Let's say between Shelton, Trufant, and Coleman, the Lions pick up another 4th or 5th round pick and save an extra $15-20,000,000 in cap space. 

Sure, we'd have to eat between $10-15,000,000 in dead cap, but we're an abysmally constructed roster right now, so we'll use our inability to contend next year as an asset to eat dead cap and possibly accrue more assets to continue to open up our books next year. But none of these players are really cuttable, so if we can't unload them, they're sticking around one more year.

3. Marvin Jones, Everson Griffin, Kenny Golladay, and Duron Harmon are free agents: Let them walk.

    As unappealing as it is losing a talent like Kenny Golladay, the former 3rd round pick is due a big contract coming up soon, and with his inability to stay healthy this year, I'd rather let him walk and try and accumulate compensatory picks the following year rather than try and trade him on a franchise tag. The difference between the Bears and Lions predicaments with their WRs are pretty similar, but Allen Robinson is quite a bit better than Golladay and I think it would be easier to find a team willing to sacrifice a valuable draft asset AND give him an extension. Golladay has a few more question marks surrounding him, and is probably a better bet of obtaining value in the compensatory route. 

Marvin Jones and Duron Harmon will both probably get contracts from other teams and Griffin is a dark horse possibility as well. As long as the Lions avoid big money free agents (We will), and instead focus on bargain bin signings of veterans who were cut, we should be able to accumulate somewhere in the ball park of a 3rd and 5th rounder next year, or potentially two 4ths.

 Now that compensatory draft picks are tradeable, it gives us more bullets in the holster to revamp this roster and clear up cap space for when we have the ability to make more moves. It'll suck a bit, but I'd expect Golladay to get a 4-5 year deal in the ballpark of $16-$18,000,000 a year, or a 2-3 year deal worth $22-$24,000,000 a year. Either way, the guarantees will be hefty, and since we're moving on from the Quarterback position, I see no reason to throw hefty guarantees towards a luxury item that will be drastically underutilized comparatively. 

4. Test the market for Kerryon Johnson. 

    Injury prone and a year away from his deal expiring, now would be a good chance to unload him on the cheap to a contender trying to add weapons for another run at a Super Bowl. I think there's a good chance the Lions could get a conditional 5th or 6th rounder depending on his health and how many games he plays, and with Deandre Swift as the new bellcow, I don't want to spend any money extending an injury prone Kerryon Johnson. He could be a good fit to replace Mark Ingram as a bulkier change of pace back with JK Dobbins in Baltimore, or a replacement for the wildly inept Leonard Fournette in Tampa Bay. I think either team would gladly part with a 7th rounder next year that becomes a 6th if Kerryon can play 10-12 games. 

5. Free Agency Of The Bargain Bin Variety:

    We're not going after any big ticket items this free agency after the massive contracts given out by the last regime to save their jobs. We're going to play the long term game and sign very cheap contracts from veterans that were cap casualties. I'd target aging veterans to shore up the depth and provide quality veteran leadership on a team trying to rebuild a culture as well as former highly drafted prospects that didn't pan out. We're going to try and find a couple diamonds in the rough from talented players that were in poor situations and were underutilized or misutilized in their last stop. 

There are plenty of bargain bin success stories, like Shaq Barrett, Jamie Collins, Ndamukong Suh and Robert Quinn who all took extremely team-friendly, short term deals and helped make their organizations significantly better. Players that may become cap casualties, and would in turn, allow them to be signed at a lower number than usual without sacrificing compensatory capital: Brandon Graham, Kareem Jackson, Malik Jackson, Kevin Zeitler, Kawann Short, AJ Bouye, Brandon Williams, and Riley Reiff. None of those players are outstanding, but they're all very solid and getting a couple of them on team friendly deals could help establish a veteran presence for a team that'll have quite a few rookies contributing.

6. Draft: We'll see?

    The Lions are in an incredibly tenuous situation in terms of where they're picking in the upcoming draft. At 4-7, the Lions currently sit in 9th in the draft order, and there's almost no shot of picking in the top 2. So they can pick anywhere from 3rd-16th in my opinion. Based on the remaining schedule, there's a good chance that if the Lions lose on Sunday, they'll lose out. 4-12 should be enough to pick 4th or 5th, while 5-11 could drop them down to the 6-8 range.

 If the Lions have the 4th pick, they should be in position to get one of Justin Fields, Trey Lance, or Zach Wilson if Cincinnati remains ahead of them. It would also put the Lions in great position to trade down and accumulate blue chip draft chips now and in the future, before being able to survey the landscape and figure out where they're going at the QB position. 

I wouldn't hate taking a top QB prospect now, but I'd much rather try and get a  bookend corner to play with Jeffrey Okudah. Patrick Surtain looks like an absolute stud and Caleb Farley looks great too. If the Lions win a game or two and aren't in the QB sweepstakes, it wouldn't be the worst thing to grab a defensive lineman/edge rusher, and spend rounds 2 and 3 trying to add young pass catchers to develop for the next franchise quarterback we acquire. Let's just say we get a pass rusher, another solid young corner, and a high upside WR. I'll call that a win. Trade Downs are always a good strategy, but with such a question mark at the Quarterback position, we have to wait and see what we're left with.

7. If we do Trade Down.... Prioritize next year.

    In the case of a trade down in rounds one or two, we're going to put a slightly higher emphasis on getting some draft capital next year. Maybe we've already picked up a pick or two in trades, so after comp picks are tabulated, we should be going in with 11-12 draft selections without trades. So it could be a really good chance to sacrifice a little bit of value now for a lot more next year. That way if we're a quarterback away, we can push some chips in to make sure we acquire our guy.

 And if Sam Howell, Spencer Rattler, JT Daniels and Mac Jones aren't our kinda guys, we can roll it over one more year and wait for that draft class. We just can't reach on a guy and set ourselves back even further. At the very least, we'll have a mediocre but average QB and a very strong roster. 

8. Coaching Hires?

    I'm going a little off track, but I'm a big fan of Brian Daboll, especially since we're moving on from Stafford as our long term answer. He was instrumental in the early Patriots dynasty as a wide receivers coach, was the Jets QB Coach for Mark Sanchez's best two years and their AFC Championship game appearances, he was Nick Saban's OC and was the man who pushed for Tua to play, and then he's worked wonders with Josh Allen in Buffalo. Sign me up for Daboll. 

Bears Rebuild:

Folks, I just got off the phone with George Halas's ghost himself, and he told me that he was hiring me as the Bears New GM, as well as reminding me to stop taking cold medicine before deciding to stay awake for Sunday Night Football. So here's what I'd do to turn around the Monsters of the Midway:

1. Clean house. Fire everyone and their mothers. This feels like an organization that needs a deep cleaning from top to bottom. Everyone on the football side of things at least, because the last thing we're going to do is get rid of all the ushers and vendors and sales people that bust their dicks for this garbage franchise and aren't getting paid hundreds of thousands, if not millions to absolutely suck. Nagy+Ted Phillips+Pace+Literally everyone whose ever made a decision is gone.

 2. Move on from Mitch Trubisky and Allen Robinson. Mitch is a really cool dude, and he's far from the biggest issue with the Bears right now. But he's certainly not the answer, and with his contract expiring this season, the Bears almost certainly are going to have to offer him a pretty lengthy extension or move on from him this offseason. In my opinion, the damage is done, and there's no coming back from this. Robinson will be a much more gutting blow, but the star wide receiver is disgruntled after not receiving an extension yet, and rebuilding teams probably shouldn't spend $75,000,000 on a wide receiver when cap space is already incredibly tight. We'll franchise tag Robinson and try to trade him similarly to what the Texans did with Jadeveon Clowney, just hopefully with a slightly hire return. 

3. Clear up more cap space by trading and cutting veterans. The Bears salary cap flexibility is currently sitting between dire and a word worse than dire. They currently only have $2,700,000 of spendable cap space this offseason, which means there's really no other option than to start blowing it up and rebuilding. 

First, Akiem Hicks is one of the best interior linemen in football. But he's also 31, going into the last year of his deal, and is represented by Drew Rosenhaus. It's his last chance to get a significant contract, so I think I'd rather trade him and try and recoup a 2nd or 3rd round pick on him, and also save about $10,000,000 in cap space. 

We're just going to flat out cut Jimmy Graham, Bobby Massie and Charles Leno. That would save us another $20,000,000 in cap space, which lets us get a little more frisky. 

 Next to go is Kyle Fuller. Fuller is a very good corner, but he's also 28 and will be heading into the last year of his deal. I don't think tying this roster down with aging, and expensive players is the way to go, so unfortunately we're going to move on from him. Due to some mid level ineptitude from Ryan Pace, we're going to have to eat a chunk of dead cap this year and a bit more next year, but it'll save us $11,000,000 this year alone and could recoup a 4th or 5th round pick for the veteran corner.

 It'll be nearly impossible to move Robert Quinn this offseason, but there's a potential out for his contract next year, so we'll let him play it out and deal him by the trade deadline if we're not in the divisional race. 

We're keeping Khalil Mack, unless someone offers at least a first round pick for him. Other than that, these moves would open up around $50-$60,000,000 in cap space after another few restructurings. 

4. Trade down in the draft. The Bears are currently projected to pick 14th in the upcoming draft, but with the teams recent skid, games that seemed winnable against the Texans and Lions now look much tougher. I think the Bears finish the season 7-9, which should get them a draft selection in the 8-11 range. The Bears roster is running on bare bones when it comes to young, exciting, players with cap efficient contracts due to trading significant draft capital to acquire Khalil Mack, trading up for Mitch Trubisky, and trading for Nick Foles. The Bears already have too many wins to be in the running for a top 3 pick and a shot at Trevor Lawrence or Justin Fields, and I'd rather try and take advantage of a team trading up for one of the remaining quarterback projects and try and net another 2nd round pick and a couple cursory mid rounders. If the Bears had the #9 pick, they could probably exchange it for a package like pick #18, #50, and #120 according to the pick value chart that many teams use. Obviously it takes two to tango, but I think if the Bears were to be able to acquire a couple more picks in the second-fourth rounds, they can rebuild the depth a little bit quicker and assemble a roster that's capable of turning it around soon. 

5. Draft Smart: As for the draft itself, I'm really not a huge proponent of draft culture. I think that the organization and the fit matters a lot more than what a prospect does in underwear or how much potential you think he could have from a small sample size in college. Just using a quick mock draft simulater, I was able to take Trey Smith, Rashawn Slater, Kary Vincent, and Jamie Newman in the first 3.5 rounds. Trey Smith and Slater can help revamp a declining OL, Kary Vincent is a DB from LSU and I like DBs from LSU, and Jamie Newman is a flyer at the QB position. We're more than a QB away, so right now I'd rather focus most of our resources on building up our offensive line before we throw a high pick to the wolves. Jamie Newman was very productive at Wake Forest, grad transferred to Georgia, and then left before the season started. I think a guy like him is worth a third or fourth round pick in the hopes of uncovering the next Dak Prescott, Russell Wilson, or Kirk Cousins. We're not expecting much from him, but if we're going to suck next year, I'd at least like to suck with someone with more potential than Nick Foles before taking the Franchise QB the following year. 

6. Oh yea, I'm hiring Matt Eberflus as head coach. There's no rhyme or reason to this, other than he's a defensive minded guy with strong midwest connections, and I he's helped develop great defenses everywhere he's been. But plenty of coaches would be well qualified for this role, I'm just throwing a dart here. Fuck it, his name is fun to say. 

7. Keep longterm financial flexibility in the hopes of building up the roster to the point that it can become a favorable destination for a free agent QB at the twilight of his career or allows the team to trade up for a rookie passer using the additional cap space to build around them similar to the Seahawks, Eagles, and Rams with Wilson, Wentz, and Goff. Badabing baby, that's a gold mine.

Thoughts From a Sad Chargers Fan

    

 I can't do this shit anymore. I have been a San Diego/Los Angeles Chargers fan for as long as I can remember. LaDainian Tomlinson was my original (and still  to this day) favorite player. And yet, after tonight's Monday Night Football game against the Saints and former SD quarterback Drew Brees, I've reached my breaking point.

    Tonight looked like the start of a new chapter. It FELT like that game that Phil Rivers came into when Drew Brees got hurt; like shit was going sideways but we had a guy under center that is going to make sure everything is at the very least manageable. Also as a side note before I really dive in here, Justin Herbert is the Chargers' man, and he showed it tonight.

    However, unfortunately for me and every Chargers fan and bettor out there, there are a couple guys on the team who are absolute  fucking scrubs. First and foremost they need to cut Mike Badgely IMMEDIATELY. Not only do the Chargers have the lead the entire game if  he makes that first extra point, but they definitively win the game if he makes a simple field goal. I'm not saying a 50-yarder is easy; but Michael, you are a professionally paid NFL level place kicker. YOU NEED TO MAKE THAT FUCKING KICK. Like does Badgely understand he's in the same conversation as people like Nate Keading and Cody Parkey? That shit is utterly embarrassing. Be better Michael.

    The second, and my target for worst fucking performance of the game, is KJ Hill. First of all this guy went to "The" Ohio State, so just generally fuck  this guy he sucks. Secondly, he dropped a pass at the opposite 45 yard line, which was well over the 1st down marker, on a 3rd and 10 in overtime. If you could visually show the definition of "big moment" it would have been that, and KJ Hill abysmally failed, just an absolute joke of an NFL wide receiver. I mean, I am a 6'2" skinny ass, moderately fast white dude who hasn't played football in 6 years, and I could make that catch. Get good KJ.

    But the real reason, the painfully true and unavoidable reason that I am on the brink of leaving this fan base, is because I have watched the same game, every week between August and December, 16 weeks a year, every year, for the last 16 years. Every year, every week, every game, the Chargers find themselves down 3-7 points (1 score) in the 4th quarter or overtime, with 1 or no timeouts left, and 75-80 yards of field in front of them. 

    For years I thought it was just Phil Rivers. But then he moved to Indianapolis and the same shit is happening. I have to admit  I think this team is cursed. I think people who are fans of the Chargers are cursed to sit through a Groundhog Day type NFL game every week until they break from the trance.

    I can't say I'm done hypnotizing myself, but if I have to see Justin Herbert try to drive the length of the field in under two minutes next week, I might  throw my Busch Light through the TV.

    Stay safe out there, cut Mike Badgely, cut KJ Hill, Bolt Up.

    -Also quick note before I sign off: Joey Bosa needs to either declare he's injured or stop acting like a baby back bitch, enough of the in between nonsense.

-TM

DeAndre Hopkins Just Put Every NFL Agent on Notice

 

A sports agent; one of the most lucrative and opportunity giving jobs in the entire sports industry. People like Scott Boras and Rich Paul have made an absolute killing off the contracts of the players the represent. I remember hearing about Jay-Z becoming an agent and Roc Nation subsequently signed Kevin Durant; and I tried to figure out every possible avenue to becoming a sports agent before I figured  out that I'm really bad at math. 

Nonetheless, being an agent for a high-profile player is the gift that keeps on giving, although maybe less so in the NFL. For some context: MLB agents like Scott Boras make between 4% and 10% of their player's contract value. NBA agents come in at no more than 4% and NFL agents make no more than 3%. 

So despite the fact that NFL agents take the lowest percentage of a player's contract, the Arizona Cardinals' DeAndre Hopkins said "forget that" and structured his new contract by himself. Not only did he negotiate a deal that would keep him in Arizona for the next 5 years, but he made himself the highest paid non-QB in professional football history. Forget an agent, forget sharing contract value, DeAndre Hopkins is one of the best wide receivers in the game right now and he wanted to get his money for himself. 

Absolutely have to applaud the effort, but let's not ignore the trend this might start. It may not happen as much in football, because as we mentioned before, those agents take the smallest cut of any professional sports agent. But NBA and especially MLB agents are getting put on notice. Players are smart, they know  their value and have access to all the stats they need to compare themselves to other players and get the salary they know they deserve. I would not be surprised at all if this starts a trend of players coming into the respective major sports leagues without an agent. 

The NBA provides an easier way to do that; especially for high-profile college and international players, as Twitter does most of the work for them. Social media provides highlights and insight the wasn't nearly as readily available to the public 10 years ago. Baseball will be a bit harder to do just because of the sheer volume of  MLB and MiLB players there are. If you combine that with high school and college-eligible players as well as the international market, most players will need an agent to advocate for them at least until they make it to the show.

The NFL may have the easiest path to making it without an agent however. Sure, for certain positions, or unproven but high ceiling players there is the need for some assistance. But the majority of NFL players are heavily marketed from the time they are in college. NFL execs and scouts know who they are targeting in future drafts at least 3 years ahead. Also, NFL rookie contracts are typically pretty cut and dry based on which round players are drafted in. All of this adds up to a simple contract for players after being marketed for years and subsequently drafted, thereby giving them around 3 years to prove themselves in the league before they can take their stats and use those comparisons to get the contracts they deserve.

I know it's not as simple as this, but I think we will start to see a trend of players getting huge contracts all on their own.

Shoutout to DeAndre Hopkins, lastly, get that money.

-Theo

This Absolute Legend Is Back On His Bullshit:

 

    Take a good long look at the picture. This man is our new overlord, and a champion of reasonable men everywhere. This absolute legend's name is Elliot Shorr-Parks and folks, I guess we should start calling him Elliot Whore-Barks, because he's got women barking in pleasure after he lays down that A1 hog game on them. This is the face of a man that would cuck you with your girlfriend, and there's nothing you can do about it. But that's besides the point, yesterday ESP tweeted that: 

 "I could maybe score a touchdown. I could luck into a home run. I could probably get two points in an NBA game. I could play hundreds of games of hockey and never, ever score a goal. It looks impossible."

    This is the time of things I would say in the middle of a Bipolar break from reality. In between feverishly researching the clearcut links between the small business owner that declined my month expired coupon for $1 off a sandwich and Jeffrey Epstein, and forgetting that my toilet is clogged before shitting in it, I would also probably say a similar thing as ESP. 

There seems to be a running trend of people thinking they're more athletic and more talented than they are. The average person could maybe, and I say MAYBE get a base hit off of a major league pitcher. Over 162 games and an average of 4 at bats a game, I think that enough people could time it up well enough by game 90-95 to throw their bat across the strike zone to put a tiny little single over the 2nd baseman. But no one, especially not the Notorious ESP could actually expect to put enough of a whack on a journeyman relievers slider to hit it 350 feet over the fence. There's no chance of the home run, but I respect the effort.

Next, I don't believe he could score a touchdown either. ESP probably thinks that he could punch in a 1 yard touchdown out of a goal line set, because he'd never get off the line against any NFL Corner. Regardless, I think that he'd probably get mashed into a pile of dust by a blitzing Khalil Mack, and he'd be out of the game with a broken neck pretty soon. People forget how strong NFL players are, and even from the one, this little slut isn't reaching pay dirt.

Lastly we have the NBA. ESP thinks he can get a bucket, and I don't hate the optimism. 82 games, all he has to do is be left open enough once for the ball to go through the basket. But so much of the NBA is about getting open, and even the laziest of defenders are going to be locking up ESP. You can almost guarantee that he's not getting the ball, so if you lock him down, you get to spend less energy on defense. Even if he did get the ball, the shot is getting blocked before it even releases out of his hand. No chance our 5'7 manlet is getting the ball over Brandon Clarke's outstretched arms, much less Giannis or Anthony Davis coming to close out. I guess if you gave him 10 open 3's a game, he may make 1 or 2 in a season.

I would actually say the NHL is the easiest to score a goal in, because if he gets knocked unconscious, it's easier for his NHL teammates to bank in an empty netter off of the size of this lads forehead. Corralling it against the boards? Nah, throw it off this asshole's landing strip of a forehead and call it a day.

Sorry Elliot, you may be the big swinging dick of beat writing twitter, you may be up to your neck in hot snatch, and you may be cucking me, but you will NEVER be an athletic success in any major sports league. You dumb bitch.

Mitch is BACK

In case you missed it, here is 2017 #2 overall pick Mitch Trubisky dropping an absolute dimeball to All-Pro (and definitely not overpaid) Tight End Jimmy Graham.

.@TheJimmyGraham is settling riiiight in. 🏈💥 pic.twitter.com/lEU8XKyipQ

— Chicago Bears (@ChicagoBears) August 16, 2020

Mitch has had his ups and downs as the Quarterback of the Chicago Bears and after coming off a year in which he struggled mightily (while other quarterbacks drafted after him succeeded wildy), he has some competition with Big Dick Nick Foles breathing down his neck. But this single throw from skelly in a practice in no pads tells me Mitch is ready to win the QB job and take the next step for the Bears. Road to 16-0 start with Mitch. 

ESPNs New Monday Night Team: Booger Out

 

    ESPN announced their new Monday Night Football broadcasting team, and unfortunately Booger McFarland didn't make the cut. When Booger wasn't advocating spiking the ball on 4th down in the playoffs, he was saying such platitudes like "Khalil Mack isn't athletic enough to beat offensive linemen anymore". Booger was a pretty fun announcer, but he never should have been given that much responsibility. I personally always thought he was just a placeholder for when Peyton Manning became the MNF Guy after Eli retired, but I guess Manning is going to hold off on that a little more. Booger and Tess are OUT. Now in we have:

Steve Levy: Steve Levy's well coifed hair and perfectly tailored suits make him a perfect fit for ESPN's most glamorous position. He's worked his way up the ranks in ESPN, which either means he's incredibly talented, or has been around long enough to know exactly how many dead hookers are buried on ESPN's main campus following insane coke fueled parties by ESPN executives. Either way, Levy knows how to play the game, and I expect a pretty good season from our well dressed Picasso. Grade is a B+

Brian Griese: Former NFL Journeyman Quarterback Brian Griese takes home the coveted analyst gig, and while a lot of people might question Griese's addition to the team, I would like to remind people that this is National Champion Brian Griese, and Super Bowl Champion Brian Griese, and "3-0 Against Ohio State Brian Griese". The former Michigan Quarterback lead his Wolverines to an undefeated championship in 1997, and most importantly, he kept his backup Tom Brady on the bench. I can't wait to have BG regale us with stories on how he used to make Tom Brady clean his cleats or get donuts for the QB room, or have sex with the ugliest groupie. Just normal hazing stuff that people do with their backups. Grade: A+ (Never lost to Ohio State, won title)

Louis Riddick: The Chronicles of Louis Riddick continue with him landing a very coveted post as the third man in the MNF booth. The scrappy safety carved out a career on basically grit, and then became the Eagles director of player personnel before being run out of town by football guru Chip Kelly who led the Eagles to multiple successful seasons of missing the playoffs while Riddick became an on air personality for PCespn (shoutout Clay Travis the GAWD for opening my eyes). Riddick is cool, and I like him and he also never lost to Ohio State in college, so I'll ive him an A+ as well.

All in all, a solid booth, and just what ESPN needs to hold out until they land Peyton Manning or another big name quarterback. Because it's coming. 

Seahawks Rookie Corner Cut for Trying to Sneak Woman Into Team Hotel

 

The #Seahawks cut rookie CB Kemah Siverand this week after he was caught on video trying to sneak a female visitor into the team hotel, per sources.

Clear message on the responsibility everyone has in the NFL’s COVID-19 world: Put the team at risk, suffer the consequences.

— Tom Pelissero (@TomPelissero) August 13, 2020

It's a well know fact that professional athletes are the horniest people on the planet, and it may not even be close. We knew that when these guys get locked up in The Simpson's Movie style bubbles that we would get hilarious stories about how these guys were going to get women that they are interested in inside of the bubble. We've already seen the hilarious Lou Williams story of getting strip club chicken. Well this poor fella just lost his job for it, and the way he tried to pull it off might take the cake for the funniest attempt to sneak someone in.

The woman was wearing #Seahawks gear in an attempt to disguise her as a player, I’m told. It did not work.

— Tom Pelissero (@TomPelissero) August 13, 2020

I mean holy fuck is that laugh out loud funny. I can only picture her scooting over to the nearest Spirit Halloween store and picking up one of these bad boys to try and blend in with the squad.

 

"Wow that was a tough practice today boys, can't wait to get back out there tomorrow!"

Sucks the guy got cut, but the hilarity of how this went down might be my favorite COVID sports moment thus far.

Is The 2015 High School Quarterback Class The Best Ever?

 1997 was a special year. Charles Woodson beat out Peyton Manning and Randy Moss for the Heisman, Biggie Smalls released Life After Death, Mike Tyson helped himself to a little earlobe mid fight against Evander Holyfield, and James Cameron released Titanic. But speaking of a sinking ship, Jake Paul was also born. But most importantly, determined parents everywhere saw the athletic feats perpetrated by such icons named Brett Favre, Jeff Hostetler, Gus Frerrotte, and Danny Kanell play quarterback at a level that none had ever seen and made a decision: to birth and raise possibly the greatest quarterback class of all time. 

Fast Forward 18 years and right out of the gate we have #1 QB and 5 star Josh Rosen. Rosen was a first round NFL Draft Choice, and it really doesn't matter what happens next because the check cleared. He still got drafted because of his big swinging cojones, and now he's set bouncing around teams as a backup quarterback for the next 7 years. Racking checks, having sex, and being pretty cool too. This is a win.

The second ranked quarterback from that class was Blake Barnett, and before you say who????, let me remind you that this is National Championship Winner, Blake Barnett. 

That's right, the original BB-8 was more like a BB-Great as he won a national championship with Alabama as a true freshman, before transferring to Arizona State and Southern Florida to major in smoking grass and grabbing ass. A true legend got a ring to seal his legacy, and decided to ride off into the sunset chasing Co-Eds at two party schools before taking his talents outside of football. A legend.

The third quarterback? That's right, Kyler Murray. A Heisman Trophy winning quarterback who also was a first round pick in baseball, before becoming the #1 overall selection in the NFL and winning Rookie of the Year in the NFL is one of footballs great young quarterbacks. Not only is he immensely talented, he's also a role model to men everywhere by proving to them that being 5'10 isn't the reason they weren't talented enough to play professional sports. All hail the short man's Jackie Robinson. 

Next we've got Jarrett Stidham. Stidham started his career at Baylor and then in what can only be described as an unavoidable series of sexual assaults perpetrated by the Baylor football team while being covered up by the Baylor coaching staff, Stidham transferred to Auburn. While at Auburn he beat #1 Georgia and #1 Alabama in back to back games before losing in the SEC Championship and the Peach Bowl to end the season. The loss in the Peach Bowl to UCF allowed those chickenshit losers to claim a national title, making Jarrett Stidham responsible for G5 teams thinking they can beat Bama. Good players win, Great players inspire others. Kudos to you Stidham. 

After we skip over Brandon Wimbush, Deondre Francois, Brady White, Jake Browning, and Ricky Town we get to Big Cock Drew Lock. Drew Lock threw for 12,000 yards while being a 2 time All SEC quarterback, and also not being an overwhelming loser for the Denver Broncos after they selected him in the 2nd round of the NFL Draft. He's big, tall, white, and has a cannon for an arm, which is just how John Elway likes it. I'm just glad Elway decided that being good at football was a requisite this time around. 

Sam Darnold was the 12th QB in 2015, before becoming a top 3 pick in the NFL, and since then the returns have been ok. Darnold has been above average for the Jets, but most importantly he had to miss football because he was too busy playing tonsil hockey with chicks to remember not to get mono. He also played a pivotal role in creating one of America's greatest graphic designs: 

What a champ. Sure, he didn't put together the graphic, but people don't think any less of JFK for not filming the Zapruder film. Sometimes you just need to be in the right place at the right time.

Next we have a couple more Heisman Trophy winners in Joe Burrow and Lamar Jackson. Especially cool that the Tennessee Volunteers took THREE QB's ranked ahead of Joe Burrow and Lamar Jackson in the same class. The future division rivals are both good at sports and absurdly cool.

Before Gardner Minshew was a starting quarterback in the NFL, he was an overlooked and underrated quarterback committed to Troy. He also wears Jorts and that's pretty cool too. Daniel Jones was also in this class, but I'd like to reserve a little more judgement before I pronounce him as "good". 

So all in all, we have 3 Heisman Trophy Winners, 6 First Round picks, 2 other NFL starting QBs and 4 players that switched positions by the time they got to the NFL. All in all, I think that's pretty good. 

NFL Starting Quarterbacks Tiered On If I Can Beat Them In Arm Wrestling

Category 1: Definitely Not

•      Jameis Winston, Phillip Rivers, Russell Wilson, Carson Wentz, Matthew Stafford, Matt Ryan, Deshaun Watson, Patrick Mahomes, Josh Allen, Daniel Jones, Drew Lock . 

    All of these quarterbacks are either incredibly tough, much larger than me, much more athletic than me, and definitely much smarter than me. Many of them are fathers, and with that, carries a lot of dad strength. Any matchup with these quarterbacks is ending with me crying for my mother. No thanks

Category 2: Probably not, but maybe?

•     Tom Brady, Jared Goff, Aaron Rodgers, , Ryan Fitzpatrick, Gardner Minshew, Ryan Tannehill.

    Now we're getting a little closer. Brady is old enough that I think I could pull a fast one. Jared Goff is a pure California boy, so maybe I can one up him with my brute strength based Midwestern Physique. Aaron Rodgers would almost certainly a better arm wrestler than me, but I believe I could easily gain the mental edge on him by asking him what he did with his dad for Fathers Day.

    

     Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard which makes him a nerd, and Gardner Minshew may show up drunk. Both of those work to my advantage. Lastly, Ryan Tannehill has a hot wife, which means he hasn't attempted to arm wrestle random strangers in dive bars to try and impress the last 3 women during last call of a Saturday Night, so that makes me a savvy veteran compared to him. 

Category 3: Quarterbacks drafted before Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson 

•    Mitch Trubisky

    Many people forget that Mitch Trubisky was taken 2nd in the 2017 NFL Draft while Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson were still on the board. This has almost certainly cost the Bears a Super Bowl, and I can guarantee I would never lose to Mitch Trubisky in any form of hand to hand combat involving two men sitting at a table with interlocking hands.  

Category 4: Toss Up

•     Sam Darnold, Baker Mayfield, Kyler Murray, Jimmy Garappolo, Teddy Bridgewater

    Kyler and Baker are both much lighter than me so I feel like I could leverage my size with both of them. On the other hand they're both from Texas, so that means they're weaker than normal men already. Sam Darnold sees ghosts enough that my indoor tanned pale skin would definitely make him shit himself. 

Jimmy G is from Rolling Meadows, Illinois and I've never lost a fight to someone from Rolling Meadows, Illinois. (0-0-1 NBD). Teddy Bridgewater has small, dainty hands. Vegas has all of these as pickems.

Category 5: I would fuck them up

•     Drew Brees, Dak Prescott, Kirk Cousins, Andy Dalton.

    I would have Bootstraps Brees begging for mercy as I have his hand in the Arm Wrestling Equivalent to the Steiner Recliner. He's tapping out, calling for uncle, and crying within a span of mere seconds.

     Dak Prescott got jumped in PCB, so he's already too big of a douche for even the biggest douches around. Kirk Cousins is where it gets tough for me. I'd easily win, but I'd have to arm wrestle Kirk Cousins in a Pizza Ranch as he's legally obligated to stay in one during the offseason. 

I kinda forgot about Andy Dalton so I'm just going to plug him in Category 5, because I can't imagine a scenario in which I'm not superior physically at arm wrestling than anyone named Andrew. 

Did Josh McCown Figure Out the Best Way to Fight a Bear?

We've all heard the old saying "if it's black, fight back; if it's brown, lay down; if it's white, say goodnight" when it comes to encountering bears. But did Josh McCown figure out a way for us to defeat all bears? Listen in at the 0:55 mark.

🚨 THIS IS NOT A DRILL 🚨

This is the best of Jay Cutler Mic'd Up. Enjoy. #TBT pic.twitter.com/fwxkRWviTC

— Chicago Bears (@ChicagoBears) June 18, 2020

Make it dizzy? Did anyone think of this before? And why did the Bears wait until now to release it? These facts could literally save human lives. Just under three people a year are killed by bears, I have to think that number would be just under one if we knew this information before.

We HAVE to make sure these statements end up in the next edition of the Bear Almanac in order to keep the human race safe.