This Absolute Legend Is Back On His Bullshit:

 

    Take a good long look at the picture. This man is our new overlord, and a champion of reasonable men everywhere. This absolute legend's name is Elliot Shorr-Parks and folks, I guess we should start calling him Elliot Whore-Barks, because he's got women barking in pleasure after he lays down that A1 hog game on them. This is the face of a man that would cuck you with your girlfriend, and there's nothing you can do about it. But that's besides the point, yesterday ESP tweeted that: 

 "I could maybe score a touchdown. I could luck into a home run. I could probably get two points in an NBA game. I could play hundreds of games of hockey and never, ever score a goal. It looks impossible."

    This is the time of things I would say in the middle of a Bipolar break from reality. In between feverishly researching the clearcut links between the small business owner that declined my month expired coupon for $1 off a sandwich and Jeffrey Epstein, and forgetting that my toilet is clogged before shitting in it, I would also probably say a similar thing as ESP. 

There seems to be a running trend of people thinking they're more athletic and more talented than they are. The average person could maybe, and I say MAYBE get a base hit off of a major league pitcher. Over 162 games and an average of 4 at bats a game, I think that enough people could time it up well enough by game 90-95 to throw their bat across the strike zone to put a tiny little single over the 2nd baseman. But no one, especially not the Notorious ESP could actually expect to put enough of a whack on a journeyman relievers slider to hit it 350 feet over the fence. There's no chance of the home run, but I respect the effort.

Next, I don't believe he could score a touchdown either. ESP probably thinks that he could punch in a 1 yard touchdown out of a goal line set, because he'd never get off the line against any NFL Corner. Regardless, I think that he'd probably get mashed into a pile of dust by a blitzing Khalil Mack, and he'd be out of the game with a broken neck pretty soon. People forget how strong NFL players are, and even from the one, this little slut isn't reaching pay dirt.

Lastly we have the NBA. ESP thinks he can get a bucket, and I don't hate the optimism. 82 games, all he has to do is be left open enough once for the ball to go through the basket. But so much of the NBA is about getting open, and even the laziest of defenders are going to be locking up ESP. You can almost guarantee that he's not getting the ball, so if you lock him down, you get to spend less energy on defense. Even if he did get the ball, the shot is getting blocked before it even releases out of his hand. No chance our 5'7 manlet is getting the ball over Brandon Clarke's outstretched arms, much less Giannis or Anthony Davis coming to close out. I guess if you gave him 10 open 3's a game, he may make 1 or 2 in a season.

I would actually say the NHL is the easiest to score a goal in, because if he gets knocked unconscious, it's easier for his NHL teammates to bank in an empty netter off of the size of this lads forehead. Corralling it against the boards? Nah, throw it off this asshole's landing strip of a forehead and call it a day.

Sorry Elliot, you may be the big swinging dick of beat writing twitter, you may be up to your neck in hot snatch, and you may be cucking me, but you will NEVER be an athletic success in any major sports league. You dumb bitch.