NFL Starting Quarterbacks Tiered On If I Can Beat Them In Arm Wrestling

Category 1: Definitely Not

•      Jameis Winston, Phillip Rivers, Russell Wilson, Carson Wentz, Matthew Stafford, Matt Ryan, Deshaun Watson, Patrick Mahomes, Josh Allen, Daniel Jones, Drew Lock . 

    All of these quarterbacks are either incredibly tough, much larger than me, much more athletic than me, and definitely much smarter than me. Many of them are fathers, and with that, carries a lot of dad strength. Any matchup with these quarterbacks is ending with me crying for my mother. No thanks

Category 2: Probably not, but maybe?

•     Tom Brady, Jared Goff, Aaron Rodgers, , Ryan Fitzpatrick, Gardner Minshew, Ryan Tannehill.

    Now we're getting a little closer. Brady is old enough that I think I could pull a fast one. Jared Goff is a pure California boy, so maybe I can one up him with my brute strength based Midwestern Physique. Aaron Rodgers would almost certainly a better arm wrestler than me, but I believe I could easily gain the mental edge on him by asking him what he did with his dad for Fathers Day.

    

     Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard which makes him a nerd, and Gardner Minshew may show up drunk. Both of those work to my advantage. Lastly, Ryan Tannehill has a hot wife, which means he hasn't attempted to arm wrestle random strangers in dive bars to try and impress the last 3 women during last call of a Saturday Night, so that makes me a savvy veteran compared to him. 

Category 3: Quarterbacks drafted before Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson 

•    Mitch Trubisky

    Many people forget that Mitch Trubisky was taken 2nd in the 2017 NFL Draft while Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson were still on the board. This has almost certainly cost the Bears a Super Bowl, and I can guarantee I would never lose to Mitch Trubisky in any form of hand to hand combat involving two men sitting at a table with interlocking hands.  

Category 4: Toss Up

•     Sam Darnold, Baker Mayfield, Kyler Murray, Jimmy Garappolo, Teddy Bridgewater

    Kyler and Baker are both much lighter than me so I feel like I could leverage my size with both of them. On the other hand they're both from Texas, so that means they're weaker than normal men already. Sam Darnold sees ghosts enough that my indoor tanned pale skin would definitely make him shit himself. 

Jimmy G is from Rolling Meadows, Illinois and I've never lost a fight to someone from Rolling Meadows, Illinois. (0-0-1 NBD). Teddy Bridgewater has small, dainty hands. Vegas has all of these as pickems.

Category 5: I would fuck them up

•     Drew Brees, Dak Prescott, Kirk Cousins, Andy Dalton.

    I would have Bootstraps Brees begging for mercy as I have his hand in the Arm Wrestling Equivalent to the Steiner Recliner. He's tapping out, calling for uncle, and crying within a span of mere seconds.

     Dak Prescott got jumped in PCB, so he's already too big of a douche for even the biggest douches around. Kirk Cousins is where it gets tough for me. I'd easily win, but I'd have to arm wrestle Kirk Cousins in a Pizza Ranch as he's legally obligated to stay in one during the offseason. 

I kinda forgot about Andy Dalton so I'm just going to plug him in Category 5, because I can't imagine a scenario in which I'm not superior physically at arm wrestling than anyone named Andrew.