The Absolutely Heinous "Unwritten" Rules of Baseball

    

    All of the rules of the game of baseball are written already, in fact you can review them all in a 188 page PDF right here. However, the rest that is unwritten is not a bunch of bangers like Natasha Bedingfield's first studio album. If you have the time and the will power to sift through this monster of a rule book, you'll find the following "rules" not included:

No bunting to break up a no hitter.

No admiring or "pimping" home runs.

Do not steal bases if your team is up by 5+ runs

Pitchers do not call their fielders out for making errors

Do not swing on 3-0 if your team is up by a large margin.

    There are a few others that we are missing, but many of the unwritten rules have nothing to do with the actual game play, and more with common courtesy between batters/pitchers/innings etc. And I'll be honest, those unwritten rules I can deal with. 

    Yeah, you shouldn't stand in the batter's box while the pitcher is warming up. We in the biz just call that a "dick move" though. Also yes, when you're hit by a pitch, don't rub it. But that's more of an alpha move than an unwritten rule. There are some unwritten baseball rules that do make sense, but the ones that do are mostly just basic etiquette of the game.

    HOWEVER, I did not forgot about the literal shit list that I mentioned earlier. Obviously because that's what we're  here to  talk about. As a former college baseball player, and a player who both pitched and played the field, I am here to offer my opinion on why the "unwritten rules" of baseball are not only bullshit, but contradictory to the spirit and the fun behind actually  playing baseball. 

    So firstly let's address bunting during a no-hitter. I'll say this one is the most flawed from the start because it comes with so many caveats. Obviously if you're the leadoff hitter in a game, there's no hits on the board yet. But it's okay to bunt your way on base safely in the top of the first right? Then why is it such an issue with 1 out in the 7th when your team is trying to win the game the same way they were in the 1st inning? It doesn't make sense to me and the line where it is acceptable is different to every crotchety old man out there, so why are we making a big deal out of it? 

    The game that immediately comes to my mind when thinking about this rule is the no-hitter that the late Doc Halladay threw against the Reds in 2010. If we remember, Brandon Phillips tried to bunt his way on with 2 outs in the 9th inning, and the old men of baseball went into a frenzy. However none of this mattered because Carlos Ruiz was still able to throw him out in time to seal the no-no. 

    Unlike traditionalist baseball though, I'm cool with the bunt attempt with 2 outs in the 9th inning. I think the idiotic part of that was that he bunted with 2 strikes, but that's why he's paid millions of dollars a year to play baseball and I sit behind my keyboard and  write about it. It's not just this situation though, if it were a regular season game, a straight up  shutout, or a perfect game, I think baseball players should be doing everything they can to get on base. If the pitcher or catcher can't field a bunt, that is on them.

    Same thing goes for stealing when a team is up by a ton. If the pitcher is lazy to the plate and the catcher has a shit pop-time, then that is on them if a runner decides to take a base. Bases come at a huge premium in the MLB and I can tell you right now every speedster out there is looking to pass old Rickey (not that it will ever happen). 

    The only one on here that I semi-agree  with is the fact that pitchers shouldn't call out their fielders for making errors. The shortstop in me says that's right because the one pitcher who ever tried to call me out for making an error took a 102 exit velocity line drive off the jaw the very next pitch, so I don't want to fuck with baseball karma like that. On the other hand, people like Andrelton Simmons and Francisco Lindor are paid stupid amounts of money to do one thing and one thing only on a baseball field: play fucking defense. So if your guys aren't backing you up inning after inning, game after game, I'm totally on a pitcher's side if they want to collectively call out their infield. 

    Now this brings us to the two remaining unwritten rules: pimping home runs and swinging on a 3-0 count when your team is killing the opponent. We've seen one of these be the subject of a good amount of bench-clearing brawls in recent years; and the former is, of course, the subject of discussion surrounding Fernando "Future Face of Baseball" Tatis Jr., and the softer-than-baby-shit Texas Rangers.

    I'll address these one at a time because I feel like they are separate issues. So firstly let's talk about pimping home runs. I'm sorry, I may have missed something in the 18+ years I was playing the sport; but last  time I checked, baseball is a GAME. Also last I checked, games are  meant to be FUN. I could not give a smaller fuck about a pitcher whose feelings got hurt because someone celebrated hitting a 500ft tank shot off of them. 

    Baseball is meant to be fun, it is a game played for the entertainment of others and the fulfillment of those skilled enough to do so. I am a lowly technology consultant and you bet your ass I celebrate if I make a big sale and beat out a competitor. Why should it be different, do we really expect a bunch of the most elite athletes in the world, who are mostly between 22-30 years old, to not get excited when they excel at their job?! And nonetheless, a job that is also, in case I haven't mentioned it yet, a GAME. So next time your grandpa wants to complain about Bryce or Bregman standing in the box too long or flipping the absolute life out of their bat after dick slapping a 500ft bomb, tell grandpa he's the killer of joy and needs to lighten the fuck up. Also tell Papelbon to get good.

    So that brings us to  the issue of Fernando Tatis and the Texas Rangers. I think there's two very simple resolutions to this argument, and both have been mentioned before. The first is that this is a goddamn game. If Ian Gibaut is so embarrassed after giving up a granny down 10-3, I feel no sympathy. The fact of the matter is he and his team allowed  the bases to be loaded. He then threw 3 straight pitches outside the strike zone. Which side note, is really fucking hard to do, especially as a guy whose job it is to come in, throw strikes, and get the game over with. Then, with the bases loaded, down 3-0 in the count and 10-3 overall in the game, Gibaut throws a knee-high 92 MPH baby cutter that looked like a high school pitch minus the velocity. Of course Tatis spanked that fucker like a red headed step child.

    My last issue with this is the Ranger's base coach calling out Tatis for it. Chris Woodward had no issues being on the other side of the same situations. He celebrated with Corey Seager a couple years ago in almost the exact same scenario. All of this to get an apology from Tatis. AN APOLOGY? Imagine being so good at your job, that you end up having to apologize to the team your just embarrassed because they couldn't deal with their own inferiority. 

    Absolutely pitiful showing by the Rangers. To not only get  beat 14-3, but to then bitch and moan about the best young player in the game putting your team on blast, that's a new low. Texas Rangers, get fucking good.

    The unwritten rules of baseball remain unwritten for one reason: they are bullshit. They are some arbitrary way for old men to measure a baseball player's acumen of the game, and they are a crutch for purist to lean on when they don't like how fucking cool of a game baseball is becoming.

The only unwritten rule that should remain is:

DO NOT EVER TALK ABOUT A NO HITTER.

    That's my two cents, let me know what you think in the comments. Any grievances or Rangers-esque bitching can be directed to: harrisonhilman78@gmail.com

Bless,

Theo Mills

Cheap, Bullshit Detroit Tigers Announce Plan To Stop Being Shitty

 

Big day for hopeless Tiger fans everywhere. Many fans, including myself, thought that the glory days of getting swept in the playoffs with Cy Young Award Winners David Price, Justin Verlander, Max Scherzer and Anibal Sanchez with Triple Crown Winner Miguel Cabrera and Nick Castellanos, JD Martinez, Ian Kinsler, Torii Hunter, and Victor Martinez in the line up were over. The former first place Tigers are on the outside looking in on their playoff hunt this year, and recently decided to call up future Super stars Casey Mize, Tarik Skubal and Isaac Paredes. 

This is an encouraging sign for a dogshit team to call up their best prospects, because as everyone that's ever played MLB The Show for 13 hours at a time to avoid coming to terms with their parents impending marital separation could tell you, starting the service time clock gets way more expensive. The Tigers have finally decided to return to the glory days of disappointment, World Series losses, and embarrassing sweeps with loaded rosters. No longer will we go 48-114 as the kids are going to be alright. 

Considering how bad the Tigers pitchers have been, their starting pitchers ERA is well above 9 runs, Mize and Skubal will both be monster wins even if they bring total mediocrity. Big Cock Casey Mize and Tarik The Freak have ace starting pitching stuff, and Isaac Paredes is going to be a stud. I personally haven't watched any of them, but I've played the Show a ton, and I'm excited to pretend like I know what's going on. Let's fucking go. 

This Absolute Legend Is Back On His Bullshit:

 

    Take a good long look at the picture. This man is our new overlord, and a champion of reasonable men everywhere. This absolute legend's name is Elliot Shorr-Parks and folks, I guess we should start calling him Elliot Whore-Barks, because he's got women barking in pleasure after he lays down that A1 hog game on them. This is the face of a man that would cuck you with your girlfriend, and there's nothing you can do about it. But that's besides the point, yesterday ESP tweeted that: 

 "I could maybe score a touchdown. I could luck into a home run. I could probably get two points in an NBA game. I could play hundreds of games of hockey and never, ever score a goal. It looks impossible."

    This is the time of things I would say in the middle of a Bipolar break from reality. In between feverishly researching the clearcut links between the small business owner that declined my month expired coupon for $1 off a sandwich and Jeffrey Epstein, and forgetting that my toilet is clogged before shitting in it, I would also probably say a similar thing as ESP. 

There seems to be a running trend of people thinking they're more athletic and more talented than they are. The average person could maybe, and I say MAYBE get a base hit off of a major league pitcher. Over 162 games and an average of 4 at bats a game, I think that enough people could time it up well enough by game 90-95 to throw their bat across the strike zone to put a tiny little single over the 2nd baseman. But no one, especially not the Notorious ESP could actually expect to put enough of a whack on a journeyman relievers slider to hit it 350 feet over the fence. There's no chance of the home run, but I respect the effort.

Next, I don't believe he could score a touchdown either. ESP probably thinks that he could punch in a 1 yard touchdown out of a goal line set, because he'd never get off the line against any NFL Corner. Regardless, I think that he'd probably get mashed into a pile of dust by a blitzing Khalil Mack, and he'd be out of the game with a broken neck pretty soon. People forget how strong NFL players are, and even from the one, this little slut isn't reaching pay dirt.

Lastly we have the NBA. ESP thinks he can get a bucket, and I don't hate the optimism. 82 games, all he has to do is be left open enough once for the ball to go through the basket. But so much of the NBA is about getting open, and even the laziest of defenders are going to be locking up ESP. You can almost guarantee that he's not getting the ball, so if you lock him down, you get to spend less energy on defense. Even if he did get the ball, the shot is getting blocked before it even releases out of his hand. No chance our 5'7 manlet is getting the ball over Brandon Clarke's outstretched arms, much less Giannis or Anthony Davis coming to close out. I guess if you gave him 10 open 3's a game, he may make 1 or 2 in a season.

I would actually say the NHL is the easiest to score a goal in, because if he gets knocked unconscious, it's easier for his NHL teammates to bank in an empty netter off of the size of this lads forehead. Corralling it against the boards? Nah, throw it off this asshole's landing strip of a forehead and call it a day.

Sorry Elliot, you may be the big swinging dick of beat writing twitter, you may be up to your neck in hot snatch, and you may be cucking me, but you will NEVER be an athletic success in any major sports league. You dumb bitch.

Mitch is BACK

In case you missed it, here is 2017 #2 overall pick Mitch Trubisky dropping an absolute dimeball to All-Pro (and definitely not overpaid) Tight End Jimmy Graham.

.@TheJimmyGraham is settling riiiight in. 🏈💥 pic.twitter.com/lEU8XKyipQ

— Chicago Bears (@ChicagoBears) August 16, 2020

Mitch has had his ups and downs as the Quarterback of the Chicago Bears and after coming off a year in which he struggled mightily (while other quarterbacks drafted after him succeeded wildy), he has some competition with Big Dick Nick Foles breathing down his neck. But this single throw from skelly in a practice in no pads tells me Mitch is ready to win the QB job and take the next step for the Bears. Road to 16-0 start with Mitch. 

ESPNs New Monday Night Team: Booger Out

 

    ESPN announced their new Monday Night Football broadcasting team, and unfortunately Booger McFarland didn't make the cut. When Booger wasn't advocating spiking the ball on 4th down in the playoffs, he was saying such platitudes like "Khalil Mack isn't athletic enough to beat offensive linemen anymore". Booger was a pretty fun announcer, but he never should have been given that much responsibility. I personally always thought he was just a placeholder for when Peyton Manning became the MNF Guy after Eli retired, but I guess Manning is going to hold off on that a little more. Booger and Tess are OUT. Now in we have:

Steve Levy: Steve Levy's well coifed hair and perfectly tailored suits make him a perfect fit for ESPN's most glamorous position. He's worked his way up the ranks in ESPN, which either means he's incredibly talented, or has been around long enough to know exactly how many dead hookers are buried on ESPN's main campus following insane coke fueled parties by ESPN executives. Either way, Levy knows how to play the game, and I expect a pretty good season from our well dressed Picasso. Grade is a B+

Brian Griese: Former NFL Journeyman Quarterback Brian Griese takes home the coveted analyst gig, and while a lot of people might question Griese's addition to the team, I would like to remind people that this is National Champion Brian Griese, and Super Bowl Champion Brian Griese, and "3-0 Against Ohio State Brian Griese". The former Michigan Quarterback lead his Wolverines to an undefeated championship in 1997, and most importantly, he kept his backup Tom Brady on the bench. I can't wait to have BG regale us with stories on how he used to make Tom Brady clean his cleats or get donuts for the QB room, or have sex with the ugliest groupie. Just normal hazing stuff that people do with their backups. Grade: A+ (Never lost to Ohio State, won title)

Louis Riddick: The Chronicles of Louis Riddick continue with him landing a very coveted post as the third man in the MNF booth. The scrappy safety carved out a career on basically grit, and then became the Eagles director of player personnel before being run out of town by football guru Chip Kelly who led the Eagles to multiple successful seasons of missing the playoffs while Riddick became an on air personality for PCespn (shoutout Clay Travis the GAWD for opening my eyes). Riddick is cool, and I like him and he also never lost to Ohio State in college, so I'll ive him an A+ as well.

All in all, a solid booth, and just what ESPN needs to hold out until they land Peyton Manning or another big name quarterback. Because it's coming. 

Cubs get Nighengaled, Drop 3 of 4 vs. Milwaukee Brewers, Cubs vs. Cards Preview

I just wanna get one thing off the ground here, I fucking hate the Milwaukee Brewers. No fanbase has acted so high and mighty over the better part of three seasons without winning shit than the Brewers, expect probably Yankees fans. Cardinals fans are right up there too but they just remind me of an old guy that sits around and bitches about iPhones and talks about the good ole days. Maybe I'm a salty bitch because they actually have literally been better than the Cubs the past of couple of seasons, maybe I'm just pissed that outside of Christian Yelich they're a team of replacement level to slightly above replacement level players that seem to have big, fluky years then drop off the face of the planet Earth, looking at you Eric Thames and Jesus Aguilar. Whatever.

The Cubs came into the weekend with the best rotation in baseball and coming off a series in which they scored 14 runs in 2 games against an Indians club that hadn't given up 4 runs in a game all year up to that point. Then this happen.

The #Cubs (12-3) running away with the NL Central with 5 1/2 game lead. They have an .800 winning percentage. No one in #MLB even has .700 winning percentage. Magic Number: 39

— Bob Nightengale (@BNightengale) August 13, 2020

This may actually the worst thing to happen to the Cubs in 2020, they got fucking Nightengaled. I went from being pissed about bad ABs and Willson Contreras all of a sudden forgetting how to lay off a breaking ball to getting furiously red with rage when I saw this reappear on my timeline Sunday. It's just poetic how Bob tweets this and the Cubs are 1-3 since and have lost 3 straight by one run.

I feel better now that I got to vent. It's baseball, it's a game that makes you want to pull your hair out. If you would've told me in Mid-July that the Cubs would be 13-6 at this point in the year I would have been through the roof. Time to pack it up and move onto to the next series. Circling back to the Cardinals, they come to town for 5 games in three days at Wrigley. I guess the Cubs will be visitors for a couple of them as they are trying to make up the fuck ton of games since their irresponsible escapades that put the whole team on the Corona IL.  Nothing would make me feel better after this weekend than taking at least 4 of these 5 games from the Cards and that starts with taking 2 games today starting at 4:15 local time. Kyle Hendricks, dragged his 88 mph tossing balls all over the Cards in 2019, starts game 1 and after that we have no fucking clue who throws the rest of the games for the Cubs and neither do they. 

Seems fitting for 2020, "fuck it, we'll figure it out.

Go Cubs... Cards Suck

NBA PLAYOFFS: Predicting the East

 Yesterday, the Blazers defeated the Grizzlies in their mini series to determine the Western Conference 8th seed. Congrats to the six of us who correctly guessed that. It makes my Western Conference preview look way better in hindsight. Before the east tips off tomorrow at 3:00, I want to get some Average at best predictions and previews out there: 

FIRST ROUND: 

The Eastern Conference in my lifetime has been so top heavy and thus created some lop sided matchups in round one. This year is no different for the Bucks vs. Magic. Honestly not gonna entertain this one too much. Jonathon Isaac fell from my my 178th favorite NBA player down to 359th, right ahead of Solomon Hill. Bucks in six? No grab the broom please. 

Prediction: Bucks 4-0

Magic vs. Bird? Close, Pacers vs. Heat is bringing us a whole series of TJ Warren vs. Jimmy Butler. We all know about their feud, but Jimmy Butler says "[the beef] is something of the past." We'll see if TJ feels the same way. After being called trash in January, TJ warren came out HOT in the bubble averaging nearly 40 ppg on 65.3% shooting. I'm guessing bubble rules aren't allowing them to kiss again, though. Both these teams are sneaky good and honestly I think they could both challenge the Bucks in the second round. 

Prediction: Heat 4-3

Probably the best first round matchup in the playoffs: Celtics vs. 76ers. I'm not a huge fan of either of these teams or the hype around them. Lately, I've felt that both Boston and Philly have been super overrated and un-impressive in their playoff performances since 2018. That being said, I think it makes for a perfect matchup. One of these teams needs to be knocked out early and reevaluate where they are as an organization. I think the 76ers just have a more complete roster than the Celtics. I gotta trust the process here. 

Prediction: 76ers 4-3

Ditto for what I said about the Magic. Raptors vs. Nets isn't the most attractive matchup, but just be impressed how well the Nets did in the 2019 free agency. Kevin Durant receives a bonus for making the playoffs too, a real life representation of getting an A after doing nothing for the group. More impressive to me though: The Raptors are a better team without Kawhi Leonard. Will they win a championship again? I don't think so, but that doesn't take away from them being a top team in the NBA. Side note: Karma will catch up to them for how they did DeMar. Just probably not in the first round of the playoffs.

Prediction: Raptors 4-0

NBA PLAYOFFS: Predicting the West

We get playoff basketball tomorrow we get playoff basketball tomorrow we get playoff basketball tomorrow we get... Holy hell, those eight regular season games took forever but the NBA playoffs are finally here and in new fashion? That's right baby the Western Conference starts the playoffs tomorrow with a playin game between the Trailblazers and Grizzlies. If the Blazers win, they earn the 8th playoff spot while the Grizzlies need to to win against Portland twice to earn the spot. Two teams with losing records battling it out to get swept by the Lakers gives off major March Madness energy. 

Quick RIP to the Suns. 8-0 wasn't enough.

FIRST ROUND:

Alright so based on our Average at Best fan poll, 0% of our followers want to see Memphis as the 8th seed so for round one we have: Lakers vs. Trailblazers. As I mentioned previously, neither team is going to take down LeBron and AD in round one. There was so much hype riding on three mediocre teams (which don't get me wrong, I love the hype) when in reality the eighth seeds have advanced to the second round only five times since the 1983-84 season. That being said, a Blazers 8th seed seems better than your average 8th seed. Coming off a WCF trip in 2019 and with the star power of Dame, Portland is a sneaky team. 

Prediction: Lakers 4-1 

One of my favorite matchups in the playoffs is this 4 vs. 5 in the west: Rockets vs. Thunder. Everyone is aware of the blockbuster trade that sent Russell Westbrook to Houston and officially started the Thunder's rebuild, but everyone doesn't consider... The thunder finished with the same record as the Rockets and right behind in the standings. People were writing off the Thunder as Chris Paul's gravestone where he would spend the last few years of his career in Oklahoma with a tanking team. People were wrong. I am people. The Thunder will be able to create mismatches for the Rockets' size (like literally every other team) but I don't see them outplaying Brodie and the Beard. 

Prediction: Rockets 4-2 

This next series holds near and dear to my heart. We got the Nuggets vs. Jazz. Both teams have third tier all stars with the exception that Nikola Jokic could be a tier two guy. (might fuck around with tiermaker to explain my opinion there) But, you know what else both teams have? That's right, an Iowa State alumni playing in a meaningful role. Denver's Monte Morris is one of the better backup point guards in the league and Utah's Georges Niang is an excellent offensive threat at the 4 or 3 position. 

Prediction: Nuggets 4-1

One of the best 2 vs 7 matchups I've seen in awhile: Clippers vs. Mavericks. This series has everything. Elite star-power, explosive scorers, lock down defenders, and maybe even Kawhi's laughter. Luka and Kristaps are comfortably in the top 6 for PPG in the bubble, although their 3-5 bubble record wouldn't show it. The Clippers did not impress in their eight games either, but it's hard to doubt Kawhi Leonard and Paul George. No fuck that, I'm doubting them and the entire Clippers organization. This is the best season the Clippers franchise has ever had and after a first round exit, they'll be rebranding and relocating. 

Prediction: Mavericks 4-3