Monday, June 22, 2020

Kirk Ferentz Makes Sweeping Changes, Ends Racism

   
Iowa Head Football Coach Kirk Ferentz is back in the news again, this time because of all of the steps he's taken to end racism at Iowa.

    Ferentz was last seen at a news conference in which he dedicated himself to ending to racial disparity at Iowa, and treating every player, regardless of race, like absolute shit. Ferentz announced the move by saying that he was committing to humiliating more players at Iowa, and publicly condemned former strength coach Chris Doyle. 

    "Chris Doyle doesn't represent our views in our program. I would never condone racism from my coaches, and by treating black players so poorly, he allowed numerous white players to get away from workouts without suffering extreme degradation" Ferentz announced Monday morning. 

    Along with the strong statement condemning Doyle's actions, Ferentz also heaped praise on Offensive Line Coach Tim Polasek for his conduct within the program:

    "When we hired Coach Polasek from North Dakota State, we knew what we were getting. A strong, principled man that treats everyone equally. No matter what skin color they are, Coach Polasek has committed himself to equal treatment" 
   
    "While we have had an abysmally bad rushing attack that has caused many outside the program to wonder why I continue to employ him, they just don't understand his character. I'll never forget the first year at camp when Tim made all of the freshmen linemen stand in front of the meeting room together so he could give them all Tampax before individually humiliating them all for various reasons. He let each player know how worthless he was to the program, and only saw student athletes ready to be humiliated publicly, not the color of their skin". 

    Ferentz would later commend Polasek for how he was able to mistreat so many players equally into transferring, while also helping lead a rushing attack that also finished 97th nationally in total rushing. To back up that it's not just talk, Ferentz had each of his assistant coaches text all players in their position groupings about how little they meant to them as people, and in a show of unity, insulted quarterback Spencer Petras's mother in front of Petras at the press conference, before berating his young QB with homophobic slurs, to show just how committed he is to equality. 

    Unavailable for comment was Ferentz's son and Iowa Offensive Coordinator Brian Ferentz. Brian Ferentz was reportedly busy with a prior commitment, forcing scholarship players buried on the depth chart to clean the locker room with a toothbrush to convince them to transfer before making them eat until they puked, followed by another thorough cleaning of the locker room in order to convince them to transfer. 

    "I'm immensely proud of my son, as he was able to lead us to the Outback Bowl with at least 3 NFL First Round picks offensively, and he was also able to find an equal amount of black and white players to humiliate into leaving today. I could not be more excited for him to take over the program when I leave" 

Ferentz said about his heir apparent, before announcing a home and home football series with his close friend Mike Gundy and Oklahoma State in the years 2029 and 2030.

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