5 Rule Changes that can Bring the Fans Back to MLB

It's been known for a few days that baseball finally returning after a long and painstaking negotiation process that would make the Michael Scott Paper Company proud. With players set to return to camp July 1st and games set to resume in late July, baseball is moving quickly to a restart. I was about -3 years old in 1994 when the players went on strike so I don't truly understand the magnitude of what happened then; but what I do know is baseball lost a shit ton of fans and were really reeling until Sammy Sosa saved baseball. It looked as if baseball staring down the same barrel of the same gun again in terms of losing fans, and it appears they still may have lost some in this utterly ridiculous negotiation process, that's where I come in. 

Mr. Manfred I'm here to help out this great game we all love so much, I have five proposed rule changes that could bring the old fans back and grow the game to levels we haven't seen since sac bunting was cool.

1. Three words, trampoline pitchers mound. None of this little bump in the middle of the diamond shit anymore. Pitchers now get to wear gym shoes and run out to the bump to pitch from the trampoline. Imagine all the cool flips and shit we would get to see pitcher do to get the ball out. Upside down curveballs, rising splitters, I mean come on who wouldn't want to see that?

2. Aluminum bats; and I'm not talking the BBCOR shit they have now either. We're busting out the old DeMarini Voodoo drop 7's. If they pitchers get the advantage of being able to do flips and throw backwards curveballs, hitters get to hit the ball a country mile if they get a hold of one. There won't be the risk of hurting fans since they won't be allowed at the games anyways. It'd be even better with cardboard cutouts. Imagine Pete Alonso ripping a ball foul and just demolishing a cardboard cutout down the left field line, how fun is that? More cool pitches and 700 ft. dingers is a strong start to bringing this sport back from the dead.

3. What do Americans love more than big macs and freedom? Violence, that's why I'll be implementing kick ball style outs. Think you'll have a better shot getting the baserunner out by drilling him with the ball rather than the old fashioned way, whip that thing right at him, below the noggin of course. This could also become a strong outlet for anger as it allows position players a chance to unload on the opponent, with benches clearing brawls strictly prohibited due to social distancing measures, this could be the best way to unload some pent up testosterone.

4. Allow steroid. Please. Please just let these guys get all pumped up with the good stuff. Steroids + Aluminum bats = DONG SHOW. That's why people pay the money to get in. Gate price is solely based on dingers. We don't pay to see singles, We pay for the yabos. The steroid era saved baseball once before, it's looking more and more like we're gonna need the steroid era 2.0 to bring it all back again.

5. Everyone thinks they can get the job done better than literal professional athletes, lets give them an opportunity to show it. The final rule change will allow for fans can enter a raffle to have the opportunity to play in a real life MLB game. Once every 5 games a fan has to come in and pitch (off the trampoline) to at least 3 batters, of course to adhere to the newly implemented 3 batter minimum rule. The opposing team will have to have a fan then take an at bat and play an inning of defense every 5 games as well. Not only does this allow for fans to have a once in a lifetime opportunity to get embarrassed by professional athletes on a live stage, it will allow for the managers to bring some strategy back to the game. Managers will have to think about when to trot out 5'6 290 pound JimBob from facebook to get in his 3 batters of work. Get this one rolling Manfred.

Hey Rob, if you see this, I'll accept direct deposit.