FAST FACTS About the American Bison

For everyone unaware, I am originally from the Chicagoland Area but currently live in the Peace Garden State of North Dakota (idk why it's called that, just needed something to make me sound like a resident North Dakotan (??)). I digress.

Today, I went out to explore a bit and visited a nature preserve and take a nice hike. Contrary to my figure, I actually enjoy a nice hike out in the wild, I also may bitch and moan the whole time but trust me, I am having a good time (probably). Anyways, this preserve I visited today has Bison, which excited me more than the 9 year old who discovers theres tits on the internet for the time. Being a suburb kid the closest thing I've ever seen to a Bison outside of a zoo is a cow. Not quite as exciting. That being said, I wanted to provide a few facts I've learned about these majestic beasts over the past couple of days.

1. Turns out that as of 2016, they are the national mammal of the United States. Had no clue. We probably felt bad for absolutely fucking decimating their population. Maybe it's just because they're fucking cool animals. I don't think of a Bison when I think of America, maybe that's because I think of this.

 

Screams in Red, White, and Blue

2. Bison bulls can weigh about 2,000 pounds (that's roughly 907 kg for my metric friends). I mean holy FUCK. We're talking 7 Big Sexy's, 6 Vince Wilfork's, all that packed into one specimen. This makes them America's largest land mammal. Makes sense why we made them the national mammal now.

7 BARTOLO'S

3. "Well shit JB, these mammals are so big but surely that means you're okay to get near one because they'll be easy to run away from"? To that I say a big ole FUCK NOPE. These creatures can get up to speeds anywhere from 35 to 40 MPH. I mean come on. Good luck trying to outrun one of these things if you catch it before it's had it's late night glass of whiskey because if this thing get's all pent up, you just might catch yourself with 3 assholes if you're not careful.

4. Males will often times duel for the right to mate with females. Pretty electric if you asked me. Imagine if guys were able to do this now. No seeing who can spit the most game, no seeing who can buy the most drinks, no more of that meet on tinder than run into her awkwardly at the bar with another guy. Just take it right to the streets for a straight up, head to head battle, literally. Winner gets to mate. I love good old fashioned competition.

There they are, The coolest facts about Bison. This whole experience has made me want to tame one and ride it around as my own. I would love nothing more than to trot into town riding on the back of a Bison like I'm a real life Arthur Morgan.

Oh well, a guy can dream.